In one of the ongoing conversations on the forum at Restored Lifestyle a member shared how she felt bad about herself because of her husband’s affair. Her experience is common among those who have been betrayed.
On one level, there’s a logical disconnect concerning why she as the injured party feels bad about a choice made by her husband. This logical disconnect tells me that she’s dealing with emotions rather than facts.
Reason and facts say that if she made the choices, she’s the one who should feel bad. Being that she wasn’t the one choosing to cheat, her feeling bad isn’t reasonable.
If she was using her intellect in dealing with it, such a disconnect would leave her considering whether she’s losing her mind. When things don’t make reasonable sense, they have an emotional component.
In her case, she’s experiencing some of the effects of shame. Shame is one of the common reactions to being betrayed. Although the cheater made the choice about the affair, their actions impact you as well.
One way their actions impact you is in how you believe others perceive you. This is where shame does its damage.
Shame carries with it a biological signature that is similar as that of trauma. Some trauma researchers have gone so far as to say their biological signatures are the same. What this means for you is that shame produces the same bodily reactions as trauma.
Shame also brings a defeatist mindset. Emotionally, its’ as if you’ve surrendered. Something about the affair touched on issues from your childhood where you felt inferior in some way. The affair manages pushing you to the point of surrender.
The connection between trauma and shame also means that you can move past this using the techniques used in handling affair trauma. If you were a member of the Restored Lifestyle site, you’d have access to my video on Overcoming Affair Trauma as part of membership.
Rather than let shame continue robbing you of your confidence and esteem, start dealing with it now. When shame continues over a long period of time, it descends to depression. The time for dealing with your shame is now. Putting it off sets the stage for things worsening.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
