Yesterday I addressed one of the benefits of shame. Shame has both positive and negative effects in your life. Although shame impacts everyone touched by an affair, few books address it with more than a passing mention.
When dealing with something as powerful and impactful as shame, it helps when you understand it better. I find some of the most stressful times I experience are when I am facing challenges that aren’t clear. When I don’t know what I’m up against, its hard coming up with a game plan.
For example, at one time I faced the challenge of a seemingly out of control family member. At what appeared to be random times, she launched into episodes of vengeful anger and irritability.
When I didn’t know what was going on, I was stressed. The whole thing kept me on edge and tense, always wondering if it was going to happen today.
It took a while, yet I finally discovered the pattern behind the outbursts. On finding out that pattern along with understanding what I was dealing with, I knew when it would happen.
It amazed me how knowing the pattern helped me start feeling more in control of my life again. It was so much better than dreading anytime I saw her while thinking, “I wonder if she’s having one of those days today?”
Understanding the phenomena helped me predict and cope with the outbursts when they came. It didn’t make them go away, but they were no longer an unknown monster that stressed me out.
In a similar way, you can learn ways of handling shame, including it many negative side effects. I have been amazed at what shame can lead you to do to your own body and relationships. What you thought was self-hate and depression may actually be one of the many effects of shame.
When shame is triggered, it starts a chain reaction of thoughts and emotions. Your mind starts searching for anything negative about you, and your focus is drawn to faults.
Rather than being set off at random times, you can begin recovering from the affair by understanding what you are really up against. In the December special report on “Affairs and Shame” going out to members of the Restored Lifestyle site, I go into depth on this timely and powerful topic.
I invite you to join today so that you benefit from this special report.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
