Back when I grew up in the seventies, it was popular to play football in the street. Anytime we played, one of the first things done was ‘defining the boundaries’.
If you didn’t have boundaries, the game turned into a chaotic mess. Although the boundaries didn’t prevent arguments from erupting, it made them solvable.
The limitation of boundaries also gave us the foundation for sportsmanship. That sportsmanship was a system of honor. Sure you could win by violating the boundaries, yet in doing so, you were ‘cheating’.
Cheating was viewed as a breach of trust. It was simple, if you cheated, you couldn’t be trusted in future games.
Now, as I deal with infidelity, the whole issue of limits is important again. Even when you haven’t specified what the boundaries of your marriage are, you count on shame to define them. In many ways manners and decency are about setting limits on relationships.
I like the way that John Bradshaw expresses it, “Shame lets us know our limits.” This is one of the healthy benefits of shame.
One of the problems with modern society is that many don’t understand or regard shame. You may not even fully understand how it works. This force that is supposed to establish limits is talked about, yet not understood.
Since shame happens when there’s a breach in your relationship, it would benefit you to understand it and learn how to deal with it, whether you are the cheater or the betrayed. Shame impacts both of you.
When you don’t understand what you’re wrestling with, it’s going to be hard to move past it.
If you are one of those who struggles with shame, you’ll want to consider joining the Restored Lifestyle site. Members will receive the special report on “Affairs and Shame” coming out December 15.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
