Have you ever been in a situation where you did nothing wrong, yet ended up being embarrassed and shamed? I know I have.
The one incident that stands out for me happened while attending Intermediate school or early high school. Even now, years later, my mind wrestles with pinning down the exact details of the incident.
In those days, notes were exchanged. When you were interested in getting to know someone, you used notes rather than texting them. In my situation, I had written a series of notes expressing my thoughts to a young girl I found attractive.
Although she had the notes, she never responded. Instead, she allowed an acquaintance of mine, Kenneth Mayhugh, to read the aloud in front of a class. Kenneth thought the whole thing was hilarious.
On finding out, I reacted immediately. A felt a shock go through my body and found myself deeply embarrassed.
Although I’d done nothing wrong, on finding out what happened, and the ridicule it brought, I hung my head down and headed home when school was out as fast as I could.
I was furious with Kenneth. In terms of the girl, I avoided her from then on.
I didn’t want to show my face at all. I was experiencing shame in all its glory. This was not embarrassment about forgetting one’s zipper or other wardrobe mishaps, this was different.
I was ‘shamefaced’ and not wanting to be seen in public.
In a similar manner, you may have done nothing at all leading up to the affair. You didn’t ask for it, yet when you discovered it, you suddenly felt exposed and vulnerable.
You didn’t have a Kenneth Mayhugh ridiculing you in front of class. Instead you have a cheater ridiculing your marriage in front of workmates, church friends and the local community.
You may even hide your face, even though the cheater is the one who did the wrong. That’s part of how shame works. It’s not logical, it’s not fair. It doesn’t always make sense, and you don’t handle it sensibly either.
If you find yourself facing shame and are unsure what to do, there’s hope. In the December special report on “Affairs and Shame” going out to members of the Restored Lifestyle site on December 15th I address the topic of shame.
You’ll learn what it is, how it effects you, what triggers it along with what you can do about it.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
