The cheater is not the only one who hides the affair. On finding out, there is a curious time when you want to tell the world about what happened and also hide it from everyone. Although the cheater is the one who should be feeling the shame, you may end up taking it on. At this point, the balance of pain has shifted. You are now hurting more than they are. Even though they are the one who had the affair, you may consider it so shameful that it damages your reputation. You may even go so far as to view the affair as your fault and take it personally that the affair happened.
That danger that comes with hiding the affair is that you become part of the ‘conspiracy of secrecy’. When you choose to keep the secret going, you become a part of it. A large part of the power of an affair is contained in the secrecy. When you choose to keep the secrecy going, you are keeping the power of the affair going as well. Some cheaters make this challenging when they have an affair with a prostitute, which raises the question as to whether or not it is an affair when you pay for the sex. For our concerns here, yes, it remains a violation of the marriage.
When you expose the affair, it does not mean that you are a failure. You did not make the choice to cheat. You did not step outside of the marriage. The question then arises as to “who” do you tell about the affair. Do you tell the kids, your parents, their parents, your pastor, your friends? Such choices put you in an unnatural bind. It is not a choice that spouses should have to go through. Even though you should not have to face this, this is another example of how the cheater’s selfish choices did not consider the position it would put you in.
When you do tell others, it is important how you present it. Sharing news about the affair often forces people to take sides. News like that has that effect. Ideally you will want to present it in a manner not so much to gain allies in a hate campaign against the cheater, but rather so that they understand what you are experiencing. You will need the support of prayer, good friends and people to talk to. Presenting the affair in terms of “I need your help” is very different that the “All men are bastards/All women are bitches” type of approach.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
3 Responses
Hi Jeff,
Interesting that you address this today …I have been reading Edward F. Mrkvicka, Jr.’s book “The Sin of Forgiveness’ …I remember you speaking of this topic a while back
I know that I feel the keeping my husband’s adultery a secret really does burden me with a dilemma in that those who do not know but maybe SHOULD learn of his ‘condition’ as I feel it is will not know until HE or someone else is the source .
I have a couple of ‘reasons ‘ that I have that hold me from being the one to do so . I am still not sure if this is good or bad ,…it is certainly WRONG to lie …which keeps me from interacting with those who are of HIS family and any others who we know that do not know about it .
There was not so much a feeling of shame I don’t think because I feel I have done a great deal to seek out over the years of our marriage to learn and practice what was best for a wife and a marriage and I just bought the lie he was always at work and that his work took so much of his time. Those were only some of the lies which allowed him to get on with his plans. He was good at developing a routine early in our marriage which would explain his ‘need’ to do all the things even after work and on weekends so that I would not be suspicious.
Of course after the years of pregnancy , recovery from surgeries of c section and others his infrequency of interest in sex even did not seem to become suspicious until much later on when there were ample opportunities for him to initiate and only when I did he complied but was not attentive and rather mechanical at the ‘task’ . This to the extent that I started to wonder if he was GAY ! I never thought he would put himSELF into such a situation even if he did not want ME …adultery with any other woman seemed to be nothing he would allow himself to do for his own integrity sake! Boy was I deceived!
At first and even now I am concerned about his company learning of this and firing him , Our finances have taken such a hit from not just the economic times but his company blow out …now we must rebuild at a time when many are taking retirement . All the plans that many make to enjoy their retirement we COULD have also made but not now.
I do not feel “entitled” but certainly after the affluent build up he had when he was producing and increasing and saving for our ‘golden years’ I did not think we would be in this position . His imprudence is astounding since especially finances are his forte! Revealing such info would put us in line at the soup kitchen is a real possibility.
I spent so much concern over being a good steward and not spending extravagantly even though many of those in my position had no problem spending their husband’s wealth…apparently the OW didn’t concern herself with spending our money or our retirement.I think my husband’s ego would not allow him to say “NO’ to her even as our income has diminished. Now he does not want to have her know our situation either ..saying it is none of her business which is true enough yet we cannot continue to provide overages as we have these past several years. .
This is not about the money only surely it is more to be about his SOUL but despite all things he has been adamant about making sure those kids are provided for and I feel that is important too. Not just in money but in attention. Too bad it seems to have preempted our relationship and marriage , That was and is his position at present.
As far as those of his family and his friends he has simply detached from them . Communication is down to nearly nil . Some are his clients so there is that cross over to his work. I told him that I would not be the source for their finding out. This came on the heels of when our neighbor came to find out early on when she was worried about me having observed my loss of weight back then which was extreme . She was a child of a man who battered her mom and then a victim of such so she perceived things were not all well . The result of my spilling my guts as I was rather vulnerable that day when she came to the door …my husband will not interact with her or any other neighbors. We were so new to the area that since then we have not had much interaction with anyone. It is hard to build new relationships while you are trying to deal with this .
His anger at my letting people know was not violent or overt but more withdrawing from me and more independent living for himself. He tells me he does not blame me for how this effected me but he is also not happy with my having shared our ‘private business’ with strangers.
That would include our pastor of the church we were once starting to go to and I had eventually wanted the pastor to know some of what I was dealing with .
This does not seem to be any kind of way to bring this out while allowing for my husband to have the venue to heal as well , It was also my thinking that it would only bring about more challenges for us to be able to work through our marital issues.
I told him that what he DID do to ‘work ‘ on our marriage was actually probably not the right order since what we needed was for us to deal with the adultery first and all of that fall out, Now he is not interested in any work needed on us , our marriage or his own issues. He simply feels he is going to live out his life avoiding getting involved with any woman , including me ,. I guess I am high and dry and using this time to continue to learn what more I can in all of the issues that touch this kind of thing.
I do not like the feeling of keeping secrets but then a gain as you pointed out there is something to consider in WHO you let in on this troubling situation. For him , the fact that he has made his whole family in secret which means he lied to all of the important people of his life ,….I guess he anticipates the whole house of cards being so mammoth that once known there will be NO ONE that he feels comfortable being around . Which is probably true.
For me only complete reversal and repentance and admitting your feet of clay is going to free one from the messes we make in life …and with that …the recognition of the way God’s cleansing work brings about thankfulness and gratitude for His offer to grant repentance as we are willing to acknowledge our need for it ….So far ..pride still rules my husband’s heart and my concern for keeping a venue for him to do his own revealing for his own sake is something I was hoping for.
Perhaps time will tell. I pray with hope in how God may work through other means than ME to confront my husband . I think his sneaking and lying to such a huge extent has caused fear to become his only condition.
I am thankful for continuing to learn what I can and must do to help that along but I do not want to be the one who exposes him …as Proverbs 31 states that a wife is someone her husband’ s heart can safely trust in ….I realize that is taken out of context but at this point I want him to know I am continuing to be supportive of the need he has to come to his own point of broken heart regarding his life choices and to be aware that he is in the framework of responsibility for his actions in terms of others and in the presence of the Almighty,
You are so right about the infidelity of the one spouse that places a LOT of challenges upon the faithful spouse which are difficult to deal with .I want to be careful to make the right decisions in this for the sake of all and importantly in terms of what the Lord would have me do ,.
I do not want to ‘enable’ him at all but yet many of the options ‘ that many people have in their perspective of even God’s word are not fully conclusive ….at least not in what I have been making an effort to learn . The scriptures speak to those who are believers ….and in this instance his faith was discarded for this kind of life yet the scriptures speak of the wife remaining with the unbeliever is they are pleased to remain . I find this somewhat comforting since I do not want to be alone or on my own after many years of building a life in the context of marriage and marriage to THIS man.
I realize that we have other aspects of marriage , infidelity and our walk to take into consideration …I simply have to continue to do what I am convinced of and ask the Lord to show me in scripture how I need to proceed. It is not like God did not give us the answers …it is just that so often we don’t like them! ….I pray for the Lord to draw my husband to Himself and to a true repentance with a hunger and a thirst for HIM ,.,,which I feel is right and would be useful to answer the whole matter of who should learn of this and how.
Once a person is IN Christ many of these pride issues are dealt with within as that relationship with Christ shines upon the inner man ! Whoa!. Trying to deal with them from the outside …such as a wife ;…seems impossible …but as it is written ‘With man it is impossible but with God all things are possible’ perhaps even to the extent of bringing about a broken heart and a contrite spirit over sin . I pray so,
Zaza,
I liked your reference to the Proverbs 31 woman. It is clear that you have studied the issue, and know the importance of being a woman who your husband can trust in. Although you are aware of that and your motives are based on being faithful to scriptural directives, many woman are not as knowledgeable in that area as you. Some cheaters keep their spouses in ‘bondage’ with the secrets. They use the secrecy as leverage to maintain control. I do not see that being the case in your situation.
In most cases, honesty is the best policy. Although honesty is important, the attitude associated with the honesty is equally important. Honesty without love is cruelty. Having the right attitude makes a world in difference in terms of the options available to faithful spouses. Although the cheater failed in remaining faithful to the marriage, after finding out about the affair, many ‘faithful’ spouses go through a time of testing themselves, where they find out how faithful they are to their own vows. Having the right attitude and motives often make a huge difference in considering what course of action to take. You can do the right thing for the wrong reason. It is also possible to do the wrong thing with the right reasons. When your attitude and motivations are right, it will eventually come out. Doing even the right things for the right reasons does not always mean that the cheater or others will understand it, like it, or change their ways right away.
When you are dealing with a sexual addiction, what is needed is different than when the cheater is seduced, trapped or made terrible choices. Each marriage has its own uniqueness which calls for unique handling of matters.
What is applicable to all is that hiding the affair and the secrets is a heavy burden. It is also true that you have to be careful who you open up with and allow to share your burdens.
Thank you Jeff for your thoughtful comments on this . Having read others who are in situations like this it is clear that recovery from infidelity indeed tests ones faith , metal and physical health.
I once asked my husband if he had ever had his heart broken in a break up and he said “NO, the breakups were mutual and friendly!”
To me if a person has ever had any investment emotionally in a relationship there will be sorrow and broken heart.
Maybe that is why he did not feel anything deeply about his choices.
OR maybe he is too ashamed of his emotions to lie.
I am not sure . He is a very passionate person about things he cares about but maybe ashamed of emotional attachments . I know he is very concerned about the children of the adultery even to the extent that he does things regarding them that he KNOWS will cause hurt for me and our daughters, such as going out on the weekend , which he told our daughters he would reserve for our family , and then he went and impulsively took them to a movie that our daughters were counting on seeing with him and had made a lot of effort to get coupons in order to go with him for discount.
He knew that this was ‘their’ special movie and still took the other children first and on the sly.
So how much care does he display for our daughters when he knows how much it will hurt them . It is an issue he does not seem to care to be concerned about . He dismisses their feelings and tells us that we should not be hurt!
So much for empathy.