If the camera crews were there, what would they report?
Affairs and Eyewitness News <– Listen to the audio here
Hi there. This is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. Today we’re going to be talking about dealing with your anger, and in terms of dealing with the anger today I’ll be talking about eyewitness news.
Let me go ahead and explain that a little bit there. The problem is with affairs, you often find yourself caught up in what you think you saw, what you think you heard, etc., rather than what actually occurred. This tendency to get caught up in what you think about things, or what you assume about things, is a common dilemma that people go through, that you find yourself struggling with as you’re dealing with an affair.
These assumptions often lead to conflicts and anger, and it’s going to be important for you to separate facts from conjecture. Because the assumptions and the conjecture and what you think is going on, these are going to lead you to wrong conclusions. Not only in terms of you understanding what is actually going on, but also in terms of improving the relationship with your spouse. That’s what we’re going to be dealing with today, that aspect of anger.
I use the term eyewitness news because many times we have all this noise and assumptions about things, and if we had an actual camera that was recording what’s going on, it would show something totally different.
Where I grew up on the Gulf Coast of Texas, in Houston, there was a radio station that was known for having eyewitness news. And that’s where I got the term from because in my mind the eyewitness news team would show up and they would have cameras and they would show you what’s actually going on.
Being down there on the Gulf Coast we were often exposed to eyewitness news concerning hurricanes and storms, and things such as that. An affair is definitely a type of storm. And much like the camera captures what is actually going on, you’re going to have to get that image in your mind, what is actually going on, as opposed to what you’re assuming about what’s going on. And it will help you keep things clear.
In terms of solutions, we’re going to be talking about that.
First, identify what are the facts. This is what do you know for sure. A lot of times when there’s affairs there’s all kinds of rumors going on, all kinds of speculation. What do you know for sure? Did they sleep with the other person? Were they just with the other person? Is this based on third party reports from disreputable people? Or do you know this is for sure? Did they come home with the other person’s cologne or perfume? Is there solid evidence, or this is all conjecture on your part? Whatever.
In that respect identify what are the facts. What do you know for sure.
Number two, identify what was actually said and done. So many times we get into interpretative spin and the meanings we attach to things often distorts what actually happened. And likewise because you’re dealing with such a personal issue that is surrounded by intense emotions, there’s going to be the tendency to put your own spin and your own meaning on things, rather than see what is actually going on.
And part of this is because when we see those things there’s a part of us that wants to take revenge. Since it’s a personal issue that revenge tends to be of a personal sort. And it’s going to make it hard to be objective in terms of what is actually said and what was actually done.
Even though it’s hard, that’s what you’re going to have to start with.
Number three, you’re going to have to be open to other explanations. Rather than assuming that you’re right and other people are wrong. Because when you have the facts, those are almost like data points. Those are the dots. And when you start connecting the dots and trying to produce some sort of meaning, because data that has not been interpreted does not have meaning, it’s got to be interpreted. It has to have some sort of meaning, some sort of way to connect the dots and make sense out of it before it’s of any use.
As you are connecting the dots of the data that you have, you’re going to have to be open to other explanations. The facts are what is for sure. The interpretation of the facts is what is often open for change. Many times what happens with couples, they get into these knock down, drag outs. Not so much over the facts, it’s hard to argue over the facts. Were they at such and such location or were they not? They were there. Did they go through the toll booth on the way to the lover’s? That can be verified.
What gets into speculation, assuming what they did at the lover’s house, or what actually was said, you don’t know that for sure. You have to stick with what the facts are. And rather than get into fights about all the possible interpretations, stick with the facts.
This means that there are times that you’re not going to know every detail about the affair. And you don’t necessarily need to know. That brings up the question were they being loyal to you or not. Were they being loyal to their marriage vows? That’s the kind of question you need to be concerned about.
In terms of dealing with your anger, taking the eyewitness news approach, it’s not easy. But it’s a way to start navigating through the storm. When you start dealing in terms of what do you know for sure, what are the facts, what was actually said, what was actually done. And also being open to other ways of connecting the dots, other ways of making sense out of it.
Because, although many of the conflicts will be between you and your spouse over the affair, it could be your spouse’s family. It could be a trouble-making friend. It could be somebody else that’s trying to put some weird spin on things, that you find yourself having to have some conflicts with.
But taking the eyewitness news approach is a way to start navigating through it. I use the term navigate because in my mind there’s this big fog or fuzziness that often surrounds affairs. And this is a way to cut through it. Because facts are going to be solid. That’s not going to change.
Many times in my own life I have to look at what do I know for sure. If the eyewitness news team was here, what would they see? When you take that type of approach it will help you stay focused and keep you from off a lot of those rabbit trails. Because those rabbit trails, it gets into your own fears, your own speculation. Leads to fights, and besides the fights it leads to a lot of confusion and a lot of emotional turmoil that you don’t need right now.
Your life is complicated as it is without making it more complicated. And this is a way to start un-complicating that you can start doing right here and now. You can get a piece of paper out and write down what do you know for sure, and start taking a hard look at that and see what the facts say, as opposed to what the fearfulness in your mind is telling you.
Well, until next time. This is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio, taking you one day at a time, one step at a time, through the recovery. Thank you.
