Has anyone ever asked you ‘Where’s your head at?’. The obvious answer is ‘on top of my body’. In asking the question, people know bodily where your head is located, they want to know something about your thinking. They really want to know something about the direction your thinking is going. If they asked, “Where is your thinking headed?” or “What kind of thoughts are you entertaining?” the answers would give you something better to go on, yet the wording is clunky and awkward.
A recent comment on my blog brought this important matter to my mind. Within a few hours of writing my initial response, it occurred to me what was missing. Like one of those moments of clarity in the shower, the matter became shockingly clear.
Why do we ask each other “What are you thinking?” instead of “Where is your thinking headed?” It has to do with the direction our culture is going – and where it’s been – and what we consider to be ‘normal’, if not for the culture at large, at least for your marriage.
The matter I want to focus on concerns “loser questions”. These are questions you ask where you have already taken a one-down position or seek to avoid the consequences of bad choices. When you find yourself asking things like ‘How can I make my spouse accept this?’ or ‘How can I talk them into this?’ or ‘How can I keep the kids from finding out?’ or ‘How can I keep my spouse from getting mad about this?’ you’ve already made the decision to do something questionable in your mind and are looking for ways of softening the consequences. These are what I mean by loser questions.
When your focus is on avoiding consequences or negative fallout, you are ‘covering your butt’. When your focus is on covering your butt, you’ve already made a poor choice.
In asking those questions, you are taking the position of having lost your marriage relationship. At that point, you are no longer engaging your spouse as an equal or from a position of strength. You are assuming the posture of a ‘victim’.
Loser questions show where your head is really at. They reveal what’s your focus and where you are headed. When you are concerned with reactions, ways of softening the news, or calming the anger, you are headed in the wrong direction.
A therapist friend of mine often shared with me that your unconscious mind is about a year ahead of your conscious mind. That means that your head often works at solving problems long before they happen, including affairs. This also includes affair recovery. Those questions you ask reveal a great deal, including where your head’s at.
The ebook, “Why Wasn’t I Enough?” addresses the danger of such questions. You may be making self-defeating choices in how your handle the affair. Those self-defeating choices are determining whether or not your marriage survives. For that reason, you’ll want a copy of the ebook.
Changing the questions you’re asking means changing your focus and the direction of your life. Now is a great time to start asking some better questions. It will take you to better places.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
