Part of overcoming the affair includes getting past the damage it brought with it. The two of you are not as close as you used to be. In some cases, there may have never been much intimacy, in other cases, you are rebuilding the intimacy that you once had. The phrase “I want things the way they used to be” is often heard during this time. The reality is you may want the intimacy, and the hope of intimacy that was there before, you REALLY do not want things the way they used to be in terms of the secrets, the lying and the whole set of dysfunction that was there leading up to the affair.
Regaining intimacy requires action. If you follow the advice of Cosmopolitan magazine and their ilk, you may have purchased garters, toys, sexual playthings, new costumes and the like. Although the articles promise that it will bring the fire back into your life, recall that that kind of fire is what led to the affair in the first place. Those things may bring passion, but that is not intimacy.
In rebuilding intimacy, you will need to change your thinking about what intimacy is. The place to start is not with external gee-gaws, and bling, but rather removing the attitudes, resentments and other obstacles that may be keeping the cheater at bay. You needed those things to protect you, but when it is time for intimacy, you need to let them into your life again, rather than keeping them at a protective distance. The can not get close to you when you keep a moat around the castle and the drawbridge up.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
