If affairs are the solution, then what is the problem? Many times cheaters look to affairs as a way to ‘fix’ a problem in their marriage or their life. In the time leading up to the affair, they often psych themselves out with mantras concerning how the affair will improve some aspect of their lives. Although the affair is touted as an answer, the hard reality is that an affair does not ‘fix’ anything. The cheaters biggest problem is the solution they chose to fix something. Rather than work on the thing that needed fixing, they chose to seek the affair with all the baggage that goes with it.
When you are talking with the cheater, (as opposed to attacking them), if you want to get to the root of the difficulties, it will be important to recognize that the affair was their ‘solution’. Understanding what occured will become clear when you look beyond the affair to what the affair was ‘fixing’, and ‘how’ it fixed it. There are often fantasies about ‘how’ the affair will change things. That is a good place to start. Consider whether the affair did what they wanted it to do. When you begin viewing the affair as their solution, then the real issues will become much clearer. The real issue or root will take you to what the affair sought to ‘fix’.
When thinking about affairs, I am often reminded of a line from an old Beatles song “I’m fixing a hole…” Using an affair to ‘fix’ things is very much like ‘fixing’ the hole that the song addressed.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
