One of the incidents that really grinds on me is enduring a petulant child throwing a temper tantrum in public. Whether on airplanes or in grocery stores, they make everyone in the place uneasy.
I’ve even seem public groups cheer when the parent finally takes charge and intervenes in the situation.
When the parent coddles the child, the crowds often grit their teeth and whisper among themselves about how someone should “do something” about that brat. The child is out of control and is holding the whole place hostage.
Although temper tantrums should have stopped as children mature, in real life it doesn’t work that way. Some cheaters unleash their ‘inner child’ in such a way that you wonder if they ever grew up. Once again, the child is out of control and holding your whole home hostage.
Even long after the affair is over, there are times when the cheater still blows up in tantrums. The blow up often includes accusations of you being controlling. After accusing you of being controlling, there’s typically a demand followed by their reason for not being controlled.
Although the specifics vary, the patterns are common. At times the blow includes a statement about them being a grown man or woman. The pattern is that they act like a child while accusing you of being some version of the meanie parent.
It’s easier complaining about you being controlling than for them admitting that they can’t handle responsibility or have an adult level conversation with you.
They forget what happened the last time they ‘acted like an adult (in name only)’ and opened up the troubles that came with the affair. If you argue with them about what is or isn’t control, the tantrum escalates to a fight.
The real issue is that they are avoiding responsibility and don’t know adult ways of negotiating responsibility. Talking on an adult level takes effort. Not everyone wants to set aside their selfish interests and listen to your needs and find ways of solving the problem of conflicting needs.
If you’d like to solve problems like this, you’ll benefit from my video “Let’s talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” focused specifically on communication issues. It guides you through ways of establishing and handling adult to adult communication.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
This is so true
It seems those who grow up with no training in character are willing to put effort into something like a career where there is a cash payout or even some kind of power or esteem possible for their ego boost over and above what their devoted spouse may supply …..but many who are able to get what they desire easily because of their looks or some other external attribute don’t “need” to apply discipline to develop the kind of character that can view correction as a goidband useful thing
The tendency to pout was one characteristic I dismissed thinking the intention and even active participation in growing in the faith would be handled eventually as my husband grew in his walk
Instead it seems once he had what he wanted so badly….to marry me…his interest faded in the Lord and me and grew in terms of new “territory”
Character and maturity are both useful in marriage and grow in marriage if there is a willing heart to learn and submit to the way God has designed both humans and marriage to work
The purpose to reflect Christ and the church in marriage doesn’t happen automatically but as with all of the fallen world we start the process of being transformed into the likeness of Christ when we renew our minds and we also begin to demonstrate the reality of the “one flesh” as we submit the to the necessity to grow together
Unfortunately selfish people who only view marriage as a end in itself and usually to their own ideas rather than the way the relationship demands the love of God and love for the other than self is not first on the list of what most people believe or want to learn
Today it’s too easy to dismiss marriage vows and continue the use of others …until they too fail to fulfill every lust and dream of having a single life while keeping a front of spouse-dom…..for image sake.
Sad ….so far th above statistics have only hit me and our children as my husband continues to live on his own with no apparent deficits ….YET
Zaza,
I am thrilled you found the post true. The temper tantrums of cheater are challenging on several levels.
Your comment, “Today it’s too easy to dismiss marriage vows and continue the use of others” strikes a chord. The popular term ‘trophy wife’ comes to mind. Many people view marriage, along with the vows as a way of attaining some trophy instead of entering into a lifetime commitment (or covenant as I prefer to call it). The view of marriage as a tool rather than marriage as a relationship has caused many problems.