When my son rescued and adopted a puppy, he taught us some lessons. The puppy, named Semo, brought many changes to our home. Although he’s learning about potty training, there is a continued string of mishaps. I hear and say “He did it again!” more times than I’d like.
On hearing that phrase, my mind immediately starts wondering “How bad is the damage?” There are times I want to get angry, thinking that some harsh words will suddenly make a four month old puppy change his ways.
I get flustered when my usual approaches and methods don’t work with him. When my ways of doing things get frustrated, it tells me that I need to change what I’m doing.
Cheaters aren’t puppies, yet some of the lessons learned from housebreaking apply to them. I didn’t expect the puppy to do his potty training in one session.
You’re not going to change your spouse’s mind in one talk or therapy session either. You’re also not going to heal and get over the affair that fast either. I have to remind myself that one-shot changes in behavior are rare.
The puppy’s behavior needs consistency and attentiveness. I am constantly reminded that a gentle firmness makes a difference. He doesn’t need smiles encouraging words all the time.
There are times he needs hearing a firm disapproving voice. He needs boundaries that are clear and consistent.
Anytime I compromise on consistency, it leads to further problems.
In dealing with your spouse, consider if your boundaries are consistent. If you give them all stick and no carrot or even chance of a carrot, they’ll get discouraged. If you give them all carrot without any firmness or boundaries, it only encourages more of their self-centeredness.
Time and experience let me know how to shift between being firm to being encouraging. Having that kind of flexibility makes all the difference. Switching between carrot and stick isn’t an easy skill to learn.
Neither is it easy learning to change my approach. Semo taught me that I often get stuck in my old way and am inflexible to making changes.
I had to use new ways of dealing with him. I had to change my approach.
It’s also not easy letting go of the expectation that change and healing happen fast or on my time table. There are times I have to let go of those expectations and change my approach.
In my video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions“, I provide you with ways of turning your communication and social skills around. You need to know how to talk to each other in ways that reach them.
You may just need to know what some of the other approaches are and try them.
The video guides you in making connection and handling those frustrating times of “He did it again”. It could be that you keep getting the same results because you keep using the same of ways of dealing with them.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
