After the shock that comes with discovering your spouse is having an affair, you may find yourself bombarded with “Why?” questions. It is only natural that you want some kind of explanation for what happened. You want to understand what occurred. Allowing yourself to get bogged down with these why questions can ruin your relationship. It is understandable that you need answers, although the “Why?” questions are not going to provide you with the answers that you think they will.
-“Why?” questions focus on the past. Just by asking why, you are asking for the motivation behind an action. Gaining a clear understanding of what led to the affair does not provide you with what you need to fix your marriage.
-No matter how many explanations you have for what happened, it does not give you instruction on what you need to do. After you find then answer to all the “Why?” questions, you still have to consider “What do I need to do now?” Had you started with the “What?” type of question first, you could have saved yourself a great deal of mental and emotional anguish.
-Finding the answer to the “Why?” often gives you a false sense of control over the affair situation. You have an explanation, yet that does not change anything. It does not make the affair go away, it does not get your spouse back. About all it does is give you a donkey to pin the tail on. You have a target to blame. Explanations often give false hope. For example, when you go to the doctor and they diagnose a condition you have, you may have a sense of relief at knowing that there is a name for what you have been experiencing. Even though nothing has been done to treat it, or repair your condition, you assume that because it has a name that it can be treated. Likewise with an affair. When you discover the why, there is a sense of relief at making the discovery, although nothing has changed. The affair is still a reality, there is still distance between you and your spouse, and nothing has been ‘fixed’.
-“Why?” questions also keep you from facing reality. They have you so focused on the past that you do not see ‘What’ is actually going on. You do not have a clear idea of ‘What’ you are doing now. The energy you wasted on “Why” would have been better spent on “How” (e.g. How the affair happened, How to fix your marriage, How to stop what is going on, etc.).
Choosing to torture yourself with ‘Why?’ questions is not going to change things. It will not attract your spouse back to you, it will not improve communication between the two of you, nor will it make them want to leave their lover (who is not pestering them with ‘Why?’ questions). The very time that you are asking such questions is when your mind is confused and thinking poorly anyway. Consider asking “How” and ‘What?’ questions instead.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
