It caught my attention when a reader unsubscribes with a blunt message like “My husband married his lover, I no longer need your help.” This woman’s note may have been short, but it spoke volumes. She didn’t express any emotions, just stated the truth. It was clear that she no longer wanted to work through the issues surrounding her husband’s affair.
Although her message was brief, it revealed the deep pain she was feeling. While I want each of you to be able to heal from the pain of infidelity, some spouses are not willing to work things out or unable. They see the affair as an opportunity for change and they take it. In this woman’s case, her husband went ahead and married his lover, completely altering both of their lives.
Some cheaters do end up marrying their affair partners, although studies show this only happens about 10% of the time. I wish this number was even lower. On the other hand, statistically speaking, couples have a higher chance of surviving an affair than not.
Her comment brought to light an important aspect that needs attention: when does affair recovery truly end? Does it end when your spouse marries someone else? The answer lies in whether or not you still feel pain when you move on. Even then, there are anniversary reactions to the events.
Your need for emotional healing, overcoming trauma, and forgiveness does not end when your spouse marries another person. If anything, you need these things even more at that point. The end of affair recovery comes when you and your relationship are healthy again. If there are still areas that need work, you have not fully recovered. You may have dealt with the facts of what happened, but the healing process is not complete.
As long as one person is still hurting, any hope for moving forward will be limited. The adversity is a way of getting your attention, alerting you that changes are needed in your marriage and in each of your lives. Sometimes couples are able to recover from an affair, only to have another one shatter their progress. The end of a relationship is not the same as the end of recovering from the pain inflicted with it. When you are still hurting, you still need healing. The pain is telling you that some area of your life needs attention.
In my video “Overcoming Affair Trauma,” I share insights on how the hurt begins and offer strategies to move past it. I provide guidance on preventing the affair from haunting you and address the fears that have emerged since it happened. Click here to download your copy today.
Keeping it real,
Jeff
