When you hear the term, “affairs in the military” many things come to mind. Generally speaking, it covers a wide area of behavior including dealing with wayward spouses on the homefront, affairs between soldiers, affairs between soldiers and civilians on base, affairs between soldiers and civilians off base, and the taboo affairs between officers and enlisted personnel.
Since affairs in the military cover such a wide range of behaviors and situations, there is no one size fits all solution to them. Each situation has some unique issues associated with it. In an article I wrote a couple of years ago (Cheating in the Military),
I addressed some of the basic issues such as the Uniform code and how cheating is different in military situations. I also addressed some of the challenges in a chapter in the e-book, “After the Affair: Is There Any Hope?”
There are unique pressures that soldiers face. The intensity of their situation, often contributes to experiencing intense emotions as well. Since they are not allowed the freedom to freely express them when on duty, they often have to redirect those passions. This often leads to an increased pressure to act out sexually with what is available around them, which may include fellow soldiers, sailors or civilian personnel.
There is a mindset of what happens ‘over there’ stays over there. On entering the theater of combat, the rules change. The soldiers change. Although there are intense situations, they are still human. They still hurt, they still get sad, they still get lonely. They need comfort. Since many are married, they are used to using sex as a way of gaining comfort and release. Many of the military resort to the mindset of “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with” and look for who is available.
With the mixed gender military, the risk of sexual acting out is increased. The more the mixed gender integration, the higher the risks. This is something that your grandfather’s army or navy never had to contend with. One of the many problems with this is that “What happens over there, …is going to come back home to the States with you. With affairs in the military, you are not leaving the other person behind. They are in the same unit or on the same vessel as you are.
I mention this ‘other world’ so that spouses on the homefront have an understanding of how you often have to live in two different worlds. Although they are living in different worlds, you have to live in one world without the companionship of your spouse. This puts unnatural pressures on you. You have to shoulder many things that would usually be shared. You will also having to deal with temptations. When you get lonely, tired, worn out, restless, or just horny, they are not there for you. That is frustrating. Frustrating for them and you.
I mention these since it is important that you understand the worlds that each of you have to operate within. Each can seem like a ‘trap’. Understanding the pressures, hassles and challenges that each of these worlds poses will give you a place to start working on your marriage. Since each of you live in different worlds, the rules, pressures and expectations of those worlds are different. Being aware of what those pressures will help each of you understand each other.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
