Have you ever found yourself stunned at something someone has told you? I know I’ve been stunned at times to the point beyond what a facepalm can express. I just sat in disbelief of what I just heard. One of those times was when a national marketing expert who has made millions told me, “Jeff, you’ve got to tell them that It’s not their fault”. I tried explaining to him that we are talking about affairs. He remained resolute, “tell them, It’s not their fault!”
I thought for a moment, “Perhaps the way to make millions, and be popular, is telling people what they want to hear, like that an affair is not their fault. No one wants to feel guilty and assume responsibility anymore it seems.”
Even though I know that there’s always a cause and some faults, these days no one wants to assume responsibility for what happened when it comes to relationship issues, especially affairs.
When many States took the “It’s not my fault” out of divorces by legalizing no-fault divorces, it definitely changed things. Right after that, the number of divorces climbed over 20% in some areas. It definitely made divorces popular. Divorces began selling like hotcakes. Perhaps this marketing expert wants me to do the same with affairs.
The thing is, even if people don’t want to assume the responsibility for what happened in their relationship, the truth must eventually come out. The fact that it was an affair and that someone did something wrong will not change regardless of how many people say “It’s not their fault”.
Taking fault away from a behavior makes it more popular. Removing blame that comes with fault takes away the sting of consequences. It also removes the motivation for repentance for what happened. If I took the blame out of affairs, telling the world, “It’s not your fault that there was an affair” it would be a popular message. Cheaters don’t want to be at fault and neither do their spouses want to be at fault for what happened.
Everyone wants to blame someone or something else.
I admit that fault finding slows down healing and directs focus on the past. It may give you someone to blame, but the fighting surrounding it bogs things down.
Fault finding too often becomes a pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey type game. Your search for someone to carry the pain. No one wants to be the cause of all the pain in your marriage, even though someone is. Even if the both of you contributed to the situation, one person has greater fault that the other.
Rather than staying stuck in fault finding or avoiding fault, you can instead start healing. The Affair Recovery Workshop guides the two of you in moving your marriage forward, where the focus is on responsibility and healing rather than fault-finding and blaming.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
