Spying on your spouse will have consequences that you need to be aware of.
Counting the cost of spying<<– listen to the audio here
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. Today’s topic that we’re going to be dealing with is counting the cost of spying.
The problem comes up with affairs that whenever you spy, or spying is involved, it brings consequences. Spying on your spouse always has consequences. You need to be aware of those consequences as part of considering the option of spying.
Going out there and just snooping without ever considering what the reactions may be, you are in for a rude awakening. Spying will be viewed as a lack of trust, or a vote of no confidence in your spouse.
Granted, you probably don’t trust them. It’s some spouses, when they find out that you have done snooping, spying, whatever you want to call it, cyber-stalking, or having someone else do it or a private eye do it. They’ll make a major deal out of how you don’t trust them and they will feel that you have lost all confidence in them as a spouse. They will turn that into the issue, rather than the affair.
In some cases it may be worth the risk. But you’re going to have to consider that on a case by case basis. Cheaters often minimize their cheating, while exaggerating how terrible it is that you would dare to spy on them. You’re going to have to be aware that this kind of fallout can happen, and in all likelihood will.
Because long after the affair is over, the wound to the trust typically hangs around for a long time. And you know that, better than a lot of people. You know what it’s like that you’re not, well, that there’s been a violation of trust.
You know what it’s like to carry that pain. It will put the shoe on the other foot and make them have to know what it’s like, but they’re not going to like it. They typically don’t.
In terms of dealing with this, first of all let me go ahead and clarify something. I am not saying do not spy. I am not saying to spy. I am saying before you consider the option of spying you need to count the cost. Rather than rush out there and do it, know what you’re getting into and that’s the stance I’m taking at this point.
In terms of a solution,
1. Consider what information that you need and other ways of obtaining it. When you’re faced with the affair I know that there’s this big lack of information. All of a sudden there’s a black hole there where they’re not wanting to talk about anything, not wanting to tell you much of anything.
Sit down, figure out what it is that you need to know. And think about how can you find out that information? Other than following them around and doing the spying and surveillance, and having stakeout type of situations. Are there some other ways that you can find that information?
2. Ask yourself “Will this help my marriage?” This is one where you’re going to have to be totally honest with yourself. If what you are planning on doing is not going to help your marriage, it’s probably not something that you should be doing. If you can answer in the affirmative, this will help my marriage, then it’s an option that you will want to consider.
This is one of those questions I find that often slows people down, gets their mind engaged in considering things. It’s an important question in that way.
3. Sort out what you ‘need’ to know versus what you ‘want’ to know. With an affair, given that there’s a lot of secrets and sexual stuff involved, it tends to awaken this voyeuristic tendency in a lot of people. That little voyeur inside of you wants to come out and I want to know it all.
You’re going to have to put that part on a leash, and separate out what you need to know, or in other words what you have to know, from what you want to know. Sure, you want to know a whole lot of details.
But you don’t need to know all the details. You may just need to know whether or not an affair’s going on and who’s it with. You don’t need to know what they were wearing, where they were at, how they first met, what kind of sexual activities they engaged in.
Things like that. Because if you know that stuff it’s going to make it much harder when it comes time to forgive, and we’ll address that topic in a later session.
But at this point, in terms of counting the cost of spying, realize that there will always be consequences and there will always be blowback, I believe, is the popular term for it. Or fallout. Either one. From any kind of spying that goes on.
Number one, consider what information you need and other ways of obtaining it. There may be more than one way to skin a cat. Two, ask yourself will this help my marriage. And number three, sort out what you need to know from what you want to know.
Although spying may be necessary, it impacts trust either positively or negatively. The video, “How Can I Trust You Again?” guides you in repairing any damages to the trust.
Best Regards,
Jeff
