The question “What does the affair mean?” is one that both you and the cheater will face. Both of you may not like the question, but it demands an answer before you can move past the affair. Even if the question is only answered on a sub-conscious level, it is addressed. The answer to what the affair means will in turn define what your marriage is about, what your role in the marriage is and what your spouse’s role in the marriage is. It also challenges and defines the commitment both of you made. Although it sounds bizarre, once you define what the affair means, then you know what your marriage means. One defines the other. The hard part is that it forces you to find out what your marriage “actually” means. Prior to the affair, there may have been lip service given to what the marriage means. Once the affair happens, you find out in a brass tacks kind of way what it really means. You have a working definition, rather than a dictionary definition. You find out what kind of marriage relationship you are in, and what kind of person your spouse is in terms of their commitments and moral character.
It is sad that society often avoids the issue of moral character and encouraging the development of good ones. What used to be clear in terms of right and wrong has been so twisted and perverted that it is no longer recognizable. Good and Bad have become emotional, rather than moral issues. With that kind of perversion, an affair that years ago would be seen as ‘bad’ is now only considered that way if it is dysfunctional and unpleasant. This means that when you and your spouse discuss ‘the affair’, the terms ‘good’ and ‘bad’ have gone topsy-turvy and each of you may be using totally different meanings to those terms. When you and your spouse can’t even agree on what good and bad mean, it will be challenging to agree what the affair means.
You may have to begin the discussion of what the affair means, by making sure that you and the cheater agree on what is ‘good’ and what is ‘bad.’ That will give you a place to start.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
