Many people run to their churches, synagogues and other faith-based institutions after the occurrence of an affair. At these places, they often find comfort and support. When these churches, synagogues and other faith-based institutions go beyond the call of duty in responding to hurt spouses, they start to become part of a bigger problem. In the natural flow of events, spouses struggle through the pain associated with an affair. The pain is part of what often brings them back to each other and motivates them to work through their problems. When the churches and church groups begin taking away the pain, and comforting too much, then the hurting spouse is no longer hurting. The hurt spouse finds that their needs and hurts are dealt with better at the church than in the home. When this happens, the church with its support systems has actually contributed to the breakdown of the marriage rather than to its repair. The motivations for providing the comfort are often well placed since no one wants to see others hurt. The danger lies in relieving hurt too fast, being the wrong person to relieve the hurt or relieving the hurt in the wrong manner. Pain and hurt are part of the healing process. It is often important to go through these experiences rather than taking short cuts.
I have seen marriages and couples break-up due to the type and kind of support their received. There are times that the support groups are too helpful, and actually contribute to masking over the problem. There were issues in the marriage that contributed to the affair. When support services are provided which do not deal with the issues, they are often whitewashed and not dealt with at all. With the issues unresolved, the cycle of dysfucntion continues into future relationships those people may have.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
