Although the adulteress or adulterer are often labeled as the “home wrecker”, the reality of affairs and the breaking of homes paints a far different picture. Many times the affair is the coup de’grace that brings about the severance of the marital bond, yet it was not where the damage began. Even the meaning of “coup de grace” is the blow of mercy which is delivered to end the suffering of a victim reveals truths about affairs. In many of the situations that I have worked with, the seperation of the spouses began before the affair (the exception is the sexual addict, which is a whole different situation). The couple often quit attending church together, spending time together or even eating together. This seperating may have rational reasons behind it, such as job demands, family demands, school activities or church activities. Although many of these are ‘good works’, they cut into the time the couple need with each other. The effect of such seperations is the creation of distance between the spouses. In such cases, the affair only serves to confirm and make official the parting of their ways. Rather than blame the ‘good activities’ or causes as what seperated the two of them, it is easier to blame the lover or the adulterous spouse for what happened.
When the marriage relationship is strong, the affair does not mean the end of the relationship. It does mean that changes are needed. It signals that needs are not being addressed and that each of the spouses need to spend more time with each other. It is a wounding, but this wound does not need to be the fatal blow to the relationship and family.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
