On occasion, I receive emails from the lovers. I recently received one where she pointed out “...so much of what you wrote (and what I’ve seen so many others write) is just not accurate.”
Oddly enough, her comments were in response to a post on the difficulties involved in breaking off the relationship with a married man back from several years before. Typically posts, where I look at affairs from the lover’s perspective, are lightning rods for comments.
In the old post, I shared, “You’ll also lose hopes and dreams of ‘what could’ve been’.
For some of you, it’s a mere goodbye, for others it is about denying yourself and feeling a part of yourself shrivel up and watching your dreams die. Ending relationships is always harder than starting them.”
I’m not sure what’s not accurate about the ending of an affair experience. In fact, what I wrote is pretty much textbook when it comes to the stages of grief.
The first stage is of grief is denial. This is where you try to convince yourself that everything is fine and that the affair can continue on as before. You might even make promises to yourself about being more careful or only seeing each other in certain situations.
Perhaps her reaction was about how ‘money, sex, and affection’ don’t make for solid relationships or the broken promises the cheater makes. This includes promises about how he’ll leave his wife and they can start a new life together.
Without her being specific, it’s hard for me to know where I haven’t been accurate in my descriptions.
She went on with her comment, “We just always had bad timing. I knew him BEFORE he married – back when I was married. We have long had feelings for each other. By the time I divorced HE had married. It’s complicated. But I love him. I know he loves me. And he loves his wife, too. In fact, they have a pretty good relationship even though she doesn’t know a thing about me.”
Her comments about ‘bad timing’ sure sound like hopes and dreams of what could’ve been to me. It also sounds like her relationship still remains a huge secret and has been for over 15 years.
Let me get this right, she tells me she has a great life, he has a great marriage and they’ve been in this clandestine relationship for over fifteen years. If you have to keep a relationship secret, it doesn’t sound healthy or great to me.
Affairs are justified with the phrase “but I love him”. Somehow telling yourself that makes the affairs and keeping secrets alright in your own mind.
She may view my comments as ‘not accurate’, yet her description of the affair relationship still sounds like something clandestine happening behind the unsuspecting wife’s back. In my world when relationships have to be kept secret, they are not in the best interest of the marriage.
Secrecy weakens your marriage. I feel for the unsuspecting wife who operates under the fantasy that ‘all is well’, when he continues his peccadilloes with an old flame.
Your marriage may be one of those where you don’t suspect anything and are about to be broadsided. This is where having a support group to help you through such tough times comes in handy.
When the secrets are out and you need help, I’ve recently had some time slots open up in my schedule. Email me Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com to check out times and availability.
The longer you hold onto the secrets, the sicker you’ll become. Take action now and change the direction things are going.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
