It amazes me how quickly time passes. About ten years ago, one of the most popular pages I had on the site, Hubpages asked the question, “Does Age Matter In Relationships?” The page received a large amount of traffic along with some very impassioned and at times heated debate in the comments section. (If you want a copy of the original article, send me an email).
I still firmly believe that having similarity in age matters in marriage relationships. (The more you have in common, the greater the potential strength of you marriage). These days you need as many factors in your favor for your marriage as possible. Although many obstacles can be overcome, when it comes to large age differences, the obstacles are large and real. You may have some other thoughts on the matter, so please bear with me.
One place where age is a huge obstacle is when there is a huge age difference between the cheater and the lover. The greater the age difference, the bigger the issues involved. Affairs are bad enough. Those with big age differences spell trouble with an ever large capitol “T”.
When the age difference is 12 years or more, lines are being blurred and crossed. When that difference is greater than 20 years, lines aren’t being blurred, they’re being ignored. At that point, the red flags go up along with flares, flashing warning lights and bottle rockets loudly proclaiming “Danger Will Robinson! Danger!”
Many cheaters ignore the “Danger!” warnings and head full throttle into bad situations and deep holes. Just look at how many teachers are caught sleeping with young students and find themselves in jail, leaving their spouse stunned and children without a parent at home any more.
Even though PoMo (Post–Modern) culture has turned such situations into entertainment with films like Lolita, and Poison Ivy or promoting the idea of Cougars, the problem remains. Turning a problem into entertainment doesn’t make it go away. If anything, it gives such relationships a tacit approval. It gives the problem fertilizer material to grow larger.
These kind of situations can be dealt with, yet requires you and your spouse working together in dealing with them. The complications require more than one person in dealing with them and recovering from them. You’ve got the affair problem along with the unhealthy age dynamic. Age differences do make a difference in relationships.
If you need help in finding ways of working with your spouse in tackling problems like these, you’ll want the newest video, “How To Rekindle Closeness And Bring Back Intimacy In Your Marriage“. When the two of you start working together, the obstacles become smaller.
Best Regards,
Jeff
12 Responses
In my situation, there were two (more actually depending on how one defines affair) one was ex bf from high school same age. The other, was 26 and she was 40. This was a pure and simple sexual event. Ego trip. Funny thing is, the ego boost was needed because the other dumped her. Truth is, there is no way I will ever be able to figure out all that occurred. What I have come to understand is that I was not even a factor in those 4 years. Nothing that occurred was related to me. I was the child care provider and a paycheck. On a superficial level it is difficult to get past the probable comparisons that may exist between my aging self and a “young stud”. Not sure how to get past that one. And as seems to be the normal response, the cheater expresses how the sex was not good or meant nothing. Which makes it worse hearing that one would throw away 20 years for bad sex? The cheater is with out a doubt very disordered. Why is it they should be given one more chance?
David,
Thank you for sharing your comment. As usual you bring up some challenging points.
Exes are always potential affair risks, be they ex-spouses or ex-boy/girlfriends. The danger of exes is that they can trigger strong reactions in the brain. In the case of ex-spouses, some of them still do not want to accept that the previous marriage is over.
In terms of the age issue. With the cheater being 40 and the lover being 26, it can be an ego trip for both of them. When I encounter such situations, I often wonder if the cheater is trying to recapture their past. Many times the prospect of getting older scares them. It is also worth noting that the decade years (e.g. 30, 40, 50,…) often are stressful times when people make radical changes. Although I wish they were always for the best, that is not always what happens.
I do wonder if her mother made similar life changes at that age as well. Although it’s not always the case, in 40% of affairs, there are familial patterns associated with them. She may be part of the 40%.
The cheater may say the sex was not all that good, yet I am curious what she hoped it would accomplish (e.g. what was the fantasy she was chasing?). She went looking for something. I am curious what it was. I am also curious who is encouraging her in doing such things. The big age difference makes me wonder if she was egged on to do it or if she thought it may capture some of her youth.
In terms of your question ‘Why should they be given one more chance?’ I am not sure that I have a great answer for you. Since I believe in marriage and that marriage vows are long-term, I am inclined to say, the promise was long-term. For myself, I view it as a covenant agreement, which is life long. Although I have that conviction for myself, not everyone else does. You have been through a great deal. There has been a LOT of hurt and ANGER related to her betrayal. It will test your commitment and your love.
Does she want you to give her a chance? Is she still wanting to be your wife? If so, there will need to be some accountability. This is going to take more that just confessing, forgiving and giving another chance type of situation. The underlying issues will need to be addressed and acted on. Some changes will be needed to keep the pattern from happening again.
I am presently working on a new video on “Forgiveness” that I am thinking about calling “Reconciliation and Restoration of your Relationship”. I welcome any questions and concerns you are struggling with for me to include in it.
Best Regards,
Jeff
Oh I do agree, marriage is a covenant. I also understand she broke that into many pieces. Yes she was not only encouraged, she was provided assistance in her affairs. Mom has engaged in those behaviors all her life. Multiple marriages and multiple affairs. And she also had the 20ish boy toy in her 40s. We all carry generational curses. And they do affect us. One of my disagreements is that I do believe that all sin is bad, but there are different levels. God did place heavier punishment on certain sins. Adultery being one of these. The negative effects on others is beyond imagination.
Yes she wants to reconcile. Yes she is in therapy as am I. Both are Christian based. And the therapist are focusing on individual problems. A long way from being ready for marriage C. My theory is….. and in some ways she has confirmed this. Her first attempt at an affair was with her ex. She was rejected by him after a few months. The 26 year old along the way showed interest and with a bruised ego from her failure, she hopped in. My question to her is why did she keep going back on and off for years? She was basically at his beckon call. Her only response is she hoped each time she went, that the next time it would be something wonderful. And each time she was disappointed.
David,
The news about the mom encouraging affair behavior is not good. A mother is very influential and when she uses her God-given influence for infidelity, it’s not good.
It’s encouraging hearing that both of you are working on things. Your report of why she kept going back is unsettling. Although it’s a hard thing to wrap one’s head around, it does make sense. One of the weird truths about gambling addicts is that they are addicted to loosing and the adrenaline rush associated with it. I wonder if your wife has that kind of logic with the lover. She keeps choosing someone who she knows will frustrate and disappoint her. It’s definitely a self-defeating pattern.
Everyone makes occasional bad choices. When you keep making bad choices, there’s something bigger going on. It’s as if there is a self-punishment dynamic. Perhaps its a way of making herself do penance? There’s definitely some guilt and negative self-image issues at work. I hope she can see that negative pattern and change it before it becomes ingrained into a lifestyle.
As a follower of Christ many are being destroyed as they have not sought out by way of their ow. Study of the Word of God
Excuses abound but the bottom line is the assault upon the Bible being the God breathed Word of God has caused a lot of playing fast and lose in the Body of Christ
Some pulpits even scoff at doctrine being important
Some add to salvation
Some take away what God has instructed the Body of Christ to do individually
2 Tim 2:15 is of great importance for each believer to realize the responsibility they have to study scripture and rightly divide the Bible
Confusion has come upon the Body of Christ by way of teachings that mix what is “for our learning” with what has been directed TO the church of the Body of Christ
God is not the author of confusion which is what trying to apply what is TO Israel as if the Body of Christ in the Age of Grace is to understand
Many lives …marriage and families are being destroyed by one or the other spouse refusing to learn what personal study of the scriptures would offer to help encourage appreciation of what value there is in the new identity we have in Christ when we have believed in His full payment of all sin …on the cross ….His burial and then resurrection
What does this have to do with age differences?
In our marriage my husband was nearly ten years younger
My not knowing how to determine the depth or vericity of his claim to faith was part of how I ended up with someone who had. It made the transition from unbeliever to the new identity in Christ .
Then in marriage this lack of a true love for God and His Word ended up in a fleshly perspective which provokes the additional rejection of the new identity from single man to married man
Our present culture is tipified by rebellion and rejection of the wisdom from Gods Word in HOW to enjoy the newness of life …. value of applying how to walk in such a way to avoid active and willful sin which damages and kills love and loving care for others
The Bible instructs in righteousness ..(2 Tim 3:16-17)
So his refusal to further find out what God would instruct him to live his life fleeing circumstances wherein he would. E embolden to sin…..by way of renewing the mind to Gods Word …led to more and more accepting the worlds urging to take part in sin
The warning is heard and heeded by those who are not too proud to do as the Lord instructed us as believers to do
………….,,,,,,,,,……………..,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,2 Tim 2:15
Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.
After rightly dividing Gods Word which scripture will instruct HOW it divides itself
Then one can become able to realize the benefit of fidelity to God , ones spouse …and avoid using other people thus not respecting let alone loving others but more shaming the name of the Lord!
I think Age is not the issue so much as the way with each generation taught by the precept of men…and fleshly influences both in government school cirriculum….media …and neglect or false doctrinal teaching assumtng the place of Gods Word personally LOVED
Becoming informed by what God has provided for believers to know goes a long way for believers relationships to be effecting personal decisions…aka interest in following Christ and not people and opinions exerting pressure to seek after fleshly pleasure at the expense of all the new birth has to offer !
Despite the many deceptions that surround us today …loving God and…pursuing what He has provided for us to know will be rewarded as we continue and press on
People who prefer to feed their carnal desires will find the wisdom of God to be “too restrictive” in our culture of “please yourself and self first ”
Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; 2 Cor 10:5
Well the truth is….. we probably will never know the full truth. When one is dealing with a dishonest person, how do you ever know they are being honest? How many say…. oh it was the best sex I ever had? I kept going back because it was great! What I find is there are many sources who assist in covering up.
They don’t need to know details it delays healing or the cheater is just trying to not do further damage to your feelings. The deck is constantly stacked against the victim. I believe that no matter how uncomfortable or detailed the question I ask, it should be answered.
No one gets to determine what I should or should not ask. To me, I should know just how far down you went. Then make an educated decision on which path to take. I always say, the truth is probably better than what I have made up in my head!
David,
The action in your head is probably worse than what happened.I agree no one should determine what you should and should not ask. In my mind, you have a right to know. I don’t challenge that right.
Her not telling you the truth suggests that either 1) she doesn’t know the truth or 2) she feels so guilty and shameful about it that she hides it from you.
I understand how the rage of a husband is a powerful and long-lasting thing. Now matter how powerful it is, it pales in comparison to the rage of God. The rage is made worse by evasiveness and fear on her part.
I also know that full knowledge of the details often makes forgiveness harder. Those details have a way of creating vivid images in your mind. When it comes time for forgiveness, those very details make it harder to forgive the person.
With a dishonest person, you are never sure of the truth. I recently read a small book entitled “On Bullshit”. In it the author addresses the many ways people evade telling the truth along with their motives. It may help you sort through the challenge of living with someone who is dishonest.
I’ve often likened living with a dishonest person to bowling with a sheet covering the pins. You never really know what the real score is. You have to rely on what has worked before along with prayer, lots of prayer.
After 37 years of marriage to a man I trusted in every sense of the Word then discovering his 14 year adultry with the OW with whom he also had two children ( D day was in 2007)…..he then “tried” to work it out with faint effort yet renewing our vows…walked out 4 years ago to live alone ….no further contact with me and our family or the OW I feel it safe to say that only God will be able to reach him
Yet since my husband has not turned to find out what he must know to make any changes in terms of the Bible or what damages he has done….it appears he is unwilling and not interested in learning what harm his choices have cAused
I’m so sorry to hear your wife is still unwilling to consider how her choices effect you nor wanting to answer your questions …..but then those who choose to act upon sinful ideas don’t care in the first place how to protect their spouse or family
So sad for you
I know your pain!
I looked up the book you sited ….looks interesting….also one of th companion books “Assholes”
As a follower of Jesus Christ I identify both of these by scripture terms …”lies”…..and “ungodly ”
“British”…..’just shows that the same immoral behavior and attitudes of fallen sinful flesh remains a vexation and is harsh and annoying to say the least
The salvation provided hub Christ’s sacrifice ..death ..burial and resurrection offers a person the opportunity and ability to grow I. Grace and become washed in the Word of God as we study it and rightly divide it and put it on day by day
It’s a walk we need to know about and be willing to submit to
Salvation by grace alone
Character by learning and applying what scripture informs us as we are saved by Christ and live thereafter IN Him
Hope for all who are willing to hear and heed
Comfort and healing in Him
Zaza,
Wow! I am surprised you looked it up. Although I can’t say the the title wins me over, the material definitely has value. Everyday there is so much bull, you often need some way of sorting through it. It’s one of those topics that you have to deal with everyday, yet most people have not explored it in depth as the writer has done.
Your assessment is correct as well. I still like have tools useful in navigating my way through the daily sludge.
Indeed😊
Thank you!