There are times I continue finding myself playing the game “What If?” I find it useful in considering situations from a multitude of perspectives.
I take situations and consider the many ‘what if’ options in terms of how it changes things. I do this with relationships, with events and financial decisions. I’m not sure if it’s the child in me that wants to play or my training as a QI (Quality Improvement) specialist that kicks in at those moments.
Having worked as a Quality Improvement specialist, I learned that decisions need to be considered in terms of the problems each set of solutions creates. Today, let’s consider the ‘what if’ of following the counsel of a journalist writing about affairs.
This particular journalist advises “If you’ve cheated on your partner, keep that secret to yourself”. She bases this advise on ideas promoted by a therapist who focuses on what makes couples happy.
(Note: the operational word here is ‘happy’. She’s not looking at what makes for healthy relationships, or secure relationships or good mental health. She focuses on emotional feel-goods).
Although I’ve been counseling couples for longer that the combined years of experience of both the therapist and counselor, let’s set that aside and consider what if you keep the affair secret.
First, you settle for short-term gain.
It may give you temporary happiness by putting of honesty. The catch is that if you want a long term relationship, getting honest becomes more important than the temporary happiness.
The journalist claims that if you were honest, “… your partner might never trust you again.” She’s right about this, there is the risk of losing trust.
Keeping the affair secret is putting off the inevitable. Your spouse will feel like you are keeping something from them. They will continue wanting to know what is being kept locked up in your past.
In this case, when the affair comes out, it comes out with a vengeance. Since the affair happened during your relationship, the damage will be greater. The trust will be destroyed.
The real choice in my mind is whether you risk some damage to the trust now or absolute destruction when the secret does come out. To put it another way, “Do you want your marriage to be based on an illusion or on a solid foundation?”
Keeping the affair secret means your marriage is a fantasy. It may feel good to you, yet it’s foundation is an illusion.
If you want a marriage based on make believe, keeping the unsavory parts secret is one way of keeping the illusion going.
Keeping the affair secret also creates an impediment to real intimacy. Your spouse will always feel that you’re not quite all there, that all your cards aren’t on the table. Perhaps people in New York where the journalist and therapist are like these kinds of relationships.
I prefer the kind of marital satisfaction that comes from a real sense of intimacy. Where I can and do share with my spouse without fear of surprise affairs. To me, that kind of security is priceless and provides a lasting happiness rather than one that is intense, but temporary.
If you want a marriage with that kind of intimacy, security, and satisfaction, start making it happen. One place to start is by joining the community at Restored Lifestyle and make use of the videos, forums, and resources so that you have the tools you need for that transformation.
You can know what to do and how to do it effectively whether it be finding ways of rebuilding trust or knowing what to bring up in those serious talks.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
