One of the problems with D-Day (Discovery Day) is the anguishing question of “Why didn’t I see this coming?” In asking yourself this question, you start a journey of painful self-examination.
I make a point of stressing the avoidance of ‘why’ questions like this one. Obsessing on ‘why’ questions agitates more pain. Despite the pain, some of you persist in wanting answers to this question at the start of affair recovery.
Even if you had the complete answer, it wouldn’t settle things at this point. The answer won’t help so much at the start of affair recovery, yet it’s invaluable when it comes time for preventing affair relapse.
Addressing this ‘why’ question also brings responsibility. Once you know the answer, then you’re no longer naive about things.
The danger of persistently asking ‘why’ lies in the potential for self-blame and unnecessary guilt. In the wake of discovering an affair, the question ‘why’ can lead the betrayed person to erroneously attribute the responsibility of the affair to themselves. This could exacerbate feelings of inadequacy, causing further emotional distress.
Focusing on ‘why’ disrupts the healing process, as it keeps individuals stuck in a cycle of pain and confusion, rather than fostering an environment that encourages growth, understanding, and ultimately, recovery. Addressing ‘why’ should be a step taken later in the recovery process, once the initial pain and shock have subsided, and when individuals are better equipped to handle the complexities of the answer.
One of the reasons you didn’t see the affair coming is that you allowed sensual materials into your home that encouraged lusting. It could be that you viewed it as ‘entertaining’ or ‘that’s just the way the world is now’ or ‘that’s just men being men’.
When you allowed those things in, it dulled your awareness of the dangers. You missed seeing early warnings because you were tolerating sensuality and lust.
You may have even reached the point that you saw nothing wrong with it.
That typically starts a series of compromises where you start allowing further weakening of the boundaries of your marriage. The affair represents the culmination of the many compromises and choices along the way.
You may have tolerated sexual humor, pornography or allowing your spouse to have ‘privacy’ by never questioning their computer or phone habits. Compromises like these open the door of opportunity for affairs to happen.
These are areas needing attention when you reach the point of reducing the risk of affair relapse. Your home and what you let into it need some changes. Those little areas of compromise may be the things that trigger the cheater to stray again.
For now, you need help in terms of dealing with the affair crisis. The sudden news of the discovery needs your full attention.
This is where the video on dealing with the Overcoming the Affair Crisis comes in. It guides you through the challenges that come with the early days of discovery and affair recovery.
You can order it now and start making changes in your life. Knowing what to do will keep you from spinning your wheels in unproductive self-examination and regret.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
