In a phone call that came in yesterday, I discussed with a fellow counselor what the important aspects of family are. We shared our views on what each of us thought are the important building blocks of family and marriages.
When counselors share what they view as the most important building blocks of family, there conversation gets quite stimulating.
Although he identified many important building blocks, his conversation focused on one. He mentioned ‘connection’, which is definitely important.
I challenged him on the point and made a case for commitment, pointing out that connection means very little without commitment. I pointed out that you have to know and feel that those you are in relationship with are committed, and they need to know that you are committed to them.
The banter went on for a while, with both of us acknowledging both connection and commitment are essential. The conversation inspired to consider the whole topic of commitment.
Although you have a connection to your spouse, is there commitment. If there is, consider whether it is either a positive or negative form of commitment and how strong that commitment is.
Like many aspects of relationships, there are some that take commitment to an unhealthy extreme and literally turn their spouses into hostages. I’m not talking that kind of commitment, or its ilk which are often described as ‘suffocating’.
If you often have breathing problems or make references to an inability to breathe in your relationship, it could be that you are dealing with an overcommitment type of issue or a forced commitment issue.
Healthy commitment is voluntary and supportive. They want the best for you and you want the best for them. The two of you are bound in your commitment to each other.
The commitment is also one that you choose rather than being forced upon you. You choose to stay in the relationship rather than living in fear that you will be hunted down and brought back kicking and screaming.
Commitment is an issue that you need to talk about with your spouse. Find out how committed each of you are to your marriage.
How strong is your commitment to each other?
If there’s no commitment, there’s no security or safety in your relationship. (The opposite of that it true as well. When you are feeling insecure or unsafe, someone is not fully committed to the relationship).
Healthy commitment is foundational for the development of safety and security in your marriage relationship. It’s when commitments are weak, that the risk for affairs is high.
I encourage you to consider commitment and discuss it with your spouse.
If you don’t know how to start such a conversation or what to discuss, the “30 Days to a Better Marriage” Program will guide you and your spouse in developing that kind of communication in your marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff
