In recovering from an affair, one of the many paradoxes you’ll likely encounter is the ‘shame of getting help’. When things go wrong in your marriage, it’s often hard admitting that something is wrong. It’s even harder asking for help in dealing with the problem’.
Julie confessed to me “I felt like I had to keep my getting help a secret. Anytime I visited websites or bought books, I erased all evidence of it. I wanted to keep it from my husband. Even though he was the one who cheated, I felt I needed to keep my getting help from him”.
When Julie told me this, I realized shame dominated her thinking. Although her husband should’ve been the one mired and paralyzed by shame, she was the one carrying the burden. She was struggling with displaced emotional reactions. She was not only struggling with it, that same shame was keeping her from the help they needed as a couple.
Admitting to yourself that your marriage is not working is a hard thing to do. It was hard for Julie. She found it such a personal issues, that the admission carries a personal condemnation of her as well. “It’s like you’re saying something is wrong with you while admitting something’s wrong with your marriage at the same time. ”
Getting help also means admitting something is wrong. Julie felt both guilt and shame anytime she read websites or ordered items. “I felt like I had to hide it from my husband. I wasn’t scared he would beat me or anything like that, it was a personal struggle. In some ways, I was hiding it from myself”.
Over time, Julie found the strength she needed in overcoming the shame. She realized that her struggles were part of working through her own denial.
Denial is a powerful force. When it comes to affairs, it works at keeping you and your marriage sick and dysfunctional. It keeps you from taking action. It keeps you chained to failures.
Julie experienced the power of shame and denial first hand. It kept her in a state of silent desperation. She even found herself feeling like she was drowning at times, even to the point of experiencing shortness of breath.
She had to get so desperate that getting help was her only option. She could continue another day of shame keeping her from getting help.
Rather than continuing your struggle in silent desperation, you can start the recovery process today. The Affair Recovery Workshop is a way of starting recovery now, rather than suffering another agonizing day or week or whatever.
Best Regards,
Jeff
