One of my vices is watching television shows about the police. One of the events you can count on in the program is questioning and interrogation.
As a counselor, the interrogations fascinate me. The interactions are filled with psychological somersaults and game playing. All kinds of threats and manipulations are used in forcing information out of those being interrogated.
Those kinds of games work for actors playing interrogators but where never intended for spouses trying to force information out of each other. Engaging in the television techniques with your spouse produces unpleasant results.
Lying to your spouse or tricking them is a sure way of damaging trust. The actors don’t have to live with relationship afterward, although you do.
Using lies to force information about an affair sets a precedent of only bringing in more lies. One lie only leads to more lies.
You might think that the lies are worth it if they help you discover an affair but when the truth comes out, and it will come out, all of those lies will be remembered.
The result is that your spouse won’t trust anything you say.
Using threats is another technique that also damages trust. Threatening your spouse puts one of you into a power position and the other into a subservient one. This kind of power differential messes up communication along with damaging trust.
There’s a huge difference between setting clear boundaries and making threats. Confusing them leads to setbacks concerning affair recovery.
You want the truth about what happened. When they keep it from you, it leaves you feeling like you’re going crazy. I understand that.
I also understand that how you go about getting to the truth makes a difference in how things turn out.
In my video, “How Can I Trust You Again?“, I share ways of rebuilding trust, even if you’ve unintentionally done things that damaged it.
You may have meant well, but made mistakes in timing, making threats or lying to get what you wanted. There’s no better time than now for taking action in correcting those mistakes. Click and download the video through the link above and within minutes you could be correcting mistakes and removing blind spots that disrupted your communication.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
