Even though you want healing, one of the realities you have to overcome is resistance. This is a law both of relationships and physics.
Resistance is that force that works at keeping you where you are. It wants to keep the status quo.
In my own life, the struggle of overcoming resistance is one fought and re-fought. I have to overcome resistance to exercise, resistance to writing, and resistance to self-improvement on a daily basis.
Sure I want to feel better and do better, yet a part of me fights against those improvements. if you are ‘old school’ you may have called overcoming resistance ‘having self-discipline’. Although I think of it in terms of self-discipline, learning ways of saying no to yourself is not a popular practice.
It’s easier to float along with the status quo than it is to make changes, even positive changes.
When you are dealing with an affair, the status quo is one of the things keeping your marriage and possibly yourself dysfunctional. Keeping the status quo may be defeating the progress you say you want.
Maintaining the status quo might seem like the easier route in the short term, but it carries dangerous implications for the longer-term health of a relationship. It breeds stagnation, acrimony, and resentment, as issues are left unresolved and patterns of dysfunction are allowed to persist unchallenged.
The status quo might provide an illusion of stability, but it’s a precarious one. The neighbors and friends may see your marriage as a good one, yet you know better.
In dealing with affair recovery, one of the things cheaters need is a compelling reason to change. If you don’t provide them with a good reason for changing, the odds are it won’t happen.
You may have tried guilt or shame in confronting the cheater. Such approaches have limited success.
For lasting results, the cheater needs a ‘compelling reason’ for change. Change is hard enough. Having motivation in the form of a compelling reason gives them an added push. Without a compelling payoff to make change, there is no benefit from moving in that direction.
In the “Affair Recovery Workshop“, I cover what it takes to create an environment that encourages change.
You may be one of those spouses who wants change but doesn’t know where to start. If so, then the workshop gives you specific steps that guide you in making change. Besides creating an environment conducive to change, you’ll learn what areas bring the greatest amount of change.
Just having your spouse back at home is not enough. You need them and their heart back with you. There are ways of helping that along that you’ll discover in the workshop.
Change is possible. When you know what to do and how to do it, positive change happens easier.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
