Many of the emails I receive reveal items that the writer never realized were going on. What they write conveys how they think and how they view the world around them.
I know that there are relationship problems when a writer claims to be telling me about their problems, although the email focuses totally on their spouse. When the whole focus is on the spouse, it tells me they have the wrong focus.
For example, Sara may write, “Brian cheated on me. He lies constantly. Anytime I ask him about the affair, he finds some way to leave the house, change topics or gets angry.
He also shows little interest in me and told me that he doesn’t love me anymore.”
Sara gave me a laundry list of what Brian said and did. Her comments say nothing about her issues or struggles. She told me what she encountered rather than what she feels.
She said nothing about what happens inside her with his lack of interest or how she feels when he lies or what she experiences when he gets angry.
It raises the question “Are you so caught up in reacting to the cheater that you don’t know your own feelings?” Those writing these types of emails are definitely caught up in their reacting.
The shocking part is that they think they are telling me about themselves when their whole focus is on the cheater. On pointing this out, it creates some shock and discomfort.
Yes, I know that the cheater didn’t do you right. I know that they didn’t make good choices.
In focusing on the cheater and their behaviors, it gives the writer a way of avoiding their own issues. It also informs me that if they are experiencing difficulty communicating with me, their communication with their spouse can’t be much better.
Their whole attention is focused on reacting to the cheater rather than communicating clearly what’s going on with them.
If you’re caught up doing more reacting than communicating. If you are focused on your spouse and their irresponsible actions rather than what you can change, there’s hope.
In the video, Gettting Past the Affair Crisis will help you come to grips with what’s going on. Getting a firm handle on things helps find solutions to the problems.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
