When it comes to affairs, an issue that comes up repeatedly is that of forgiveness. I was reminded of this on reading a comment one distraught wife left on a page.
She asked, “How does a wife who has been married to a man for over 33 years, overcome catching her husband watching pornography and pleasuring himself to Playboy playmates SIX times?! I am demeaned, feel lowly and unattractive. And yet, I am supposed to forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive and forgive??!! I am worn out. I do not trust him at all and feel like we are nearing the end of our life together because I cannot keep going through this time and again.”
In reading it, her frustration with the situation comes through. She’s tired of the going through the same pain again and again. Although her situation may not be totally like yours, she’s still hurting and struggling.
Even though she attempts distancing herself from her hurts, they continue impinging on her thinking. She feels pressured to forgive, doesn’t trust her husband and resents repeatedly going through the pain.
There are more struggles going on that just with her forgiveness.
Some of you would be thankful for a husband whose only straying was into pornography land.
There are many things that struck me about her comment. Even though her profile proclaims how ‘thankful’ she is, her comment doesn’t show any sense of a thankful attitude.
Her comment about being worn out tells me that her understanding of forgiveness is limited. She feels pressured to forgive and may even resent doing it.
Perhaps she doesn’t differentiate the act of forgiveness from the emotion of the experience?
Rather than letting go of her pain, it sounds like she still carries a painful burden.
Given that she used the pronoun, “I” five times in her six brief sentences, it makes it clear where her focus lies. She focuses on herself more than her marriage or husband. That tells me a great deal about what’s wearing her out.
Focusing your attention on the wrong areas and having a sour attitude make any attempt at forgiving harder than it needs to be. Sour attitudes often happen with incomplete forgiveness.
Since he continues repeating his behaviors, there’s also not been any repentance or incomplete repentance at best on his part. He may regret getting caught, but has not changed his ways.
This is where the video “Forgiveness: Stop the Pain, Tear Down the Walls and Remove the Roadblocks” can help. It takes you through forgiveness along with addressing issues like repentance and letting go of the painful emotions.
If you don’t understand forgiveness, it’s likely that any forgiveness has been partial or haphazard. When you don’t understand forgiveness, you’ll find yourself having to repeat problems and their results again and again.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
