You may have asked yourself “How stupid can they be?” when considering the action of your cheating spouse. You may have even wondered that about celebrities or notable figures who endorse adultery and engage in serial sex disguised as marriage. In some cases, they truly are stupid, in others, it is not a matter of stupidity or ignorance at all. Rather than being a matter of stupidity, it is a matter of being wicked or morally twisted. What education they have has been used to fantasize about, plan and execute the affair along with its cover-up. Make no mistake, they are not stupid. They actually thought that they were too smart to get caught. Although Socrates and Horace Mann believed that man can be saved from evil through education, they were not dealing with a sophisticated cheater. Cheaters often know how to use technology, lie, deceive and manipulate information. The last thing a cheater needs is MORE education.
The answer lies with them making moral choices. They know plenty of information, it is moral choices and personal character where they are deficient. These are areas that can be corrected. When a cheater wants to overcome their patterns of mis-behavior they can. They will need to be held accountable for what they did, rather than allowing them to blame their mother, father, childhood, social background, etc. Sadly, many counselors and therapists give them more excuses than accountability.
Infidelity is not a problem that is fixed with more education for the cheater. It is not fixed with you knowing more about affairs either. It will take more. It is only when they quit blaming, that they can accept responsibility, put on their big boy or big girl pants and start fixing what they messed up. It is going to take more than just talking to turn themselves and your marriage around.
The way the two of you treat each other will need to change. The way the two of you make time for each other will need to change. The things the two of you do together will need to change. In short, you and the cheater will need to turn your lives around.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
