A couple of years ago, I produced a special report on trauma bonds for members of the Restored Lifestyle membership site I had. Although I thought about the report for a while, when a reader commented, “I wonder if you can tell me a little more about what trauma bonds are and if staying with someone who cheats might be a part of trauma bonding?“
The report which explained what trauma bonds went into great depth. The short version of what trauma bonds are is the bonding that happens when you go through the emotional upheaval of a trauma. At those times, you’re emotionally vulnerable and connect with anyone who can help you through the situation, even when the person is the source of the trauma. The bonding connects the two of you.
Think of it in terms of staying with what’s familiar. Even though it may not be healthy, when it’s familiar, it gives you the illusion of control and stability. In terms of trauma bonding with someone who cheats, it’s not only possible, it happens routinely. The fear of leaving them or being on your own in your mind is more threatening than the affair.
Trauma bonds are not limited to romantic relationships. They can also occur in difficult family dynamics, abusive friendships, or even within a workplace environment. The common thread is the intense emotional attachment and dependency on someone who has caused harm, often leading to a cycle of abuse and manipulation.
You may even know them so well that you can anticipate and predict what they do next. This comes from being on guard for many years. This gives you the illusion of control. You know the cheater and when you’ve been traumatized, living with known threats is better than facing the unknown.
Those trauma bonds impact you emotionally, physically and mentally. They start f as wounds, then progress to connections, then bonds and finally chains that keep you with someone else.
How you deal with trauma bonds shapes whether they intensify or weaken. Ignoring them only leads to them metastasizing and enlarging. They continue growing until they engulf your life.
There are things you can do in dealing with trauma bonds. I cover ways of handling trauma in the video “Overcoming Affair Trauma“. In the video, I guide you in dealing with them and putting them behind you.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
