On reading a letter from a betrayed wife who made frequent references to her ‘was-band’, I was struck by her talking about ‘feeling safe again’. Which has If her situation involved abuse or threats, it makes total sense. But the letter mentioned not a single such incident. So what was she alluding to?
At first I took it as an allusion to the ‘safety’ of being with someone who loved and adored her, instead of one that let her down.
In such cases, no longer living in trauma inducing situations would allow safety to grow. In her case, it concerned how her husband ogled other women when with her in public. Anytime they went out in public she relived the pain of being rejected for someone else.
With time, she began to realize that he never loved her and was attracted to younger women. His ‘ogling’ was not an expression of attraction for her, but a symptom of his desire for others.
Now, she no longer has to worry about him doing that. When I put myself in her place, it would give me a sense of relief or peace rather than ‘feeling safe’.
Her choice of talking about feeling safe may be her way of saying that she now feels secure about herself and her situation. Living with someone who is in ‘affair mode’ eats away at any sense of security.
She can now walk down the street without disapproving looks or gestures triggered by her husband. This is a ‘safety’ issue for her. As is knowing she no longer has to worry about his controlling behavior, insults and insensitivity.
She can now do what makes her happy and not live under the shadow of someone who constantly criticized her.
Those looks and gestures are unsettling. In some cases, they trigger reactions from jealous spouses. Living with such a fear will soon have you dreading going anywhere in public. You always wonder if you’re being evaluated based on what your spouse is doing, what their wearing or how they’re looking at others.
Her comments brings to light the scars that come with affairs. In this case, it has a traumatizing effect.
She was robbed of the peace of mind and confidence she once enjoyed. Her freedom to walk down the street without disapproval was taken from her.
Returning back to ‘normal’ and feeling safe again requires that you work through the trauma. Ignoring the fears and scars won’t make them go away. They also don’t fade away with time. You get used to them, but that’s very different than resolving those issues.
It’s important to work through the trauma that affairs bring. Without doing so, you don’t move forward in your recovery or approach healthy relationships when they arise in the future.
Once healed, you’ll find yourself ‘feeling safe’ again in public spaces.
You no longer have to dread being noticed by others. You can walk with security once again.
In the video “Overcoming Affair Trauma“, I share with you ways of moving past the hurts, pains and fears. Rather than stay paralyzed, you can move past what happened to you.
Click and download your copy today.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
