A reader brought to my attention that more detailed information was needed on Affair Relapse. After there has been an
affair, there is always the risk of affair relapse. The same behavior pattern can happen again. The best way that you can prevent it from happening again is to know the pattern and interrupt it.
Knowing the pattern involves being familiar with the cycle of behavior. That involves knowing when the cheater is “building up for the affair”, “knowing the high risk factors” and having a “relapse prevention plan”.
In addiction treatment this is often referred to as the “BUD” or “Building up to drug/drink”. On a previous Affair Recovery Radio Show Episode, I dealt with this topic calling “BUC” or “Building Up to Cheat”.
The first part, “building up to the affair” is that stage when they start the emotional build-up that will end up as an affair. There will be a couple of parts. There will be the pulling away or distancing themselves from you. They may even start a fight just to distance themselves.
There’s often a physical and an emotional distancing that occur. The cheater pulls away from you and then starts ‘pressurizing’ or building up their emotions. You may even refer to this as them stuffing their emotions.
Cheaters at risk for relapse are those who have trouble maintaining closeness and being vulnerable. They will often will use the affair as a way of dealing with their fears. They often find it easier dealing with the fall-out from an affair than dealing with being vulnerable and getting close.
As a spouse when the distancing occurs, it is hard not to take such actions personally. You’ll have to see the big picture, realizing that many of their attacks or pushing you away is not about them ‘hating you’ but instead it’s about them getting into ‘affair launch mode’. It is hard for them to have an affair when you are connected with them. They have to disconnect from you in order to connect with others.
The best time for intervention is when they are starting this build-up. The time they spend building up often varies from cheater to cheater. The build-up may last for hours or for days.
During the ‘build up’, there is often a stuffing of feelings on the cheater’s part. You may see them as more irritable, and hard to get along with as they use various ways of creating distance. Creating distance is part of their preparation. They have to create a ‘crisis’ to where the affair is their solution.
In their mind when an affair is used as a way of dealing with a crisis it is more tolerable than just ‘having an affair because they are aroused’. Their mind can accept an affair out of coping better than under other circumstances. When they are using it to cope, they become the victim.
I realize that their thinking is convoluted. Many of you may have trouble understanding their thinking since you do not think in such a convoluted way.
What doesn’t make sense to you often makes sense to them and vice-versa. They are shopping for an excuse to have an affair and if they can use a self-serving crisis to accomplish it, they will do so. They will use the crisis as an excuse to do what they were wanting to do in the first place.
The video on “Dealing With Affair Relapse” goes into greater detail about what happens inside and outside the cheater and what the two of you can do about it together.
Best Regards,
Jeff
7 Responses
Well this was quite a ‘Valentine’ gift but it made a lot of sense in retrospect. The marriage relationship places a lot of ‘demands’ for people to be open and transparent. I see that if a person has not been in a family where transparency and honesty has been seen as important then marriage can put ‘pressure’ on them even if the spouse is not.
Also when they socialize or work …[which often involves ‘both’ dynamics] with others who do not honor marriage or are not married there begins to be a sense of comparing the ‘free and easy ” way these work relationships flow against the way there is a true need for a person to open up in marriage.
If there has been no expressed understanding of the goal of marriage which is to become ‘one flesh’ and of a growing couplehood for the length of a lifetime ..then those things will seem to ‘threaten ‘ the independence that some people feel they should be able to continue even after marriage.
I think this idea that being married is a ‘trap’ or ‘prison’ of some kind is often the stuff of jokes…but it has a vile effect upon a person who is selfish or immature and does not want to experience marriage in it’s fullest sense.
My husband was all for marriage and we spoke often of how it would change things…but it is true…before marriage and while involved in fellowships where the moral values of God are examined and sought after…and while love is ‘young’ no differences even when acknowledged seem to be surmountable.
Faithfulness is often valued highly and presumed for those who believe their are of high moral character but have not been honest with themselves or have not been ‘tested’ in situations requiring the courage to maintain the high moral ground necessary for living loyally in this day and age.
The highly mobile state of our culture also does not always offer the kind of history and familiarity to be able to observe over a long period of time the character of a person.
People get ‘close’ …and not always sexually …but there is a presumption of trust just because people may ‘hit it off’ and enjoy being friends…but that dynamic is not one for setting a strong foundation …Frequent moves geographically or career wise …lends itself to the kind of quick friendships which are often satifying to people based upon common interests but may lead to the seeking of many superficial relationships based upon the idea that not all friendships are vested in the same areas of interest.
So we may see the development of the ‘compartment’ for one’s hobby….another for one’s workplace…another develop around some kind of addition or recreational activity …and that may often include a sexual one …these days people actually regard some of their relationships at work as ‘work spouses’ which may include sexual activity and they believe it is something acceptable and in some companies it is assumed !
This kind of permissiveness has grown as the Bible has been set aside and traded for situation ethics and the ‘greater good ‘ efforts which disregards the pain and loss of some for the pleasure and benefit of those who may gain some …even if it is temporary and shallow.
A quick pleasure and a shallow encounter seem to suit those who do not want to or cannot invest much time and effort …perhaps the person is just not that interesting but is attractive for some designated purpose in that users life.
The escape ‘artist’ from deeper relationships is lauded and glorified ..commended for his dubious ‘skills’ all the while he or she may not consider that their continuing lust is the result of not being willing to invest real LIFE in any relationship
This often is identified by the idea that we have a ‘god shaped void’ that nothing else can fill. Well SOMETHING will attempt to keep that ‘void’ busy and seeming to be filled…but it is short lived.
This is why many keep getting ‘bored’ wit what they have and seek to gain some kind of ‘excitement” with something ‘new’..
As for sexual behavior apart from a true relationship what works to know and be known ..the connection which is formed is fractured and unsatisfying for most human beings…and thus …we find out GOD WAS RIGHT in how he revealed the best way for all concerned in marriage and then family .
But who takes time to listen to what sounds like too much ‘order’ and as some say …’too mainstream’ …the ‘hipster ‘ mentality is to shun anything that has been done before and that others may feel they ‘must’ do but they , the hipster , has a much better understanding of what is what… so it is their ‘right’ to go against the grain ..if only just to GO AGAINST it!
Never mind that often times they tire of the ‘variety ‘ of doing ‘cool’ just for the sake of ‘cool’,…and become lost in the myriad of the ‘special ‘ and ‘unique’ things which are really ‘nothing new under the sun’ …as Solomon already ..did …He had ‘been there done that” LONG before any of the most recent trends have come upon the scene…and found them wanting!
He lamented too about having wasted much of his life doing what HE thought was good ..only to find out GOD knew better and tried to warn him…Isn’t that the story of most of our lives.
Yet SOME come to the point of surrendering to learn what the Lord has had to say ..and LIVE …and some continue down the broad way which Jesus told us …ends in destruction ..unwilling to admit that they were wrong…and somehow keep doing the same ol same ol ..and as we know that is the definition of insanity…AGAIN …the Bible actually tells us so …if we will listen.
Running away from the basic design of life for mankind has not worked out so well for those who will not admit they need some help in how to live without harming themselves OR OTHERS.
Disregarding the value of other people by this method of the do see do of social gospel is deadly and eventually the people who “never wanted to hurt anyone ” have devastated many lives of those they claimed to ‘love’ .
Sad state …Jesus can definitely do some work in those willing to humble themselves under the mighty hand of GOD and He will lift you up…but as that verse points out before that phrase …God resists the proud.
Pride does indeed go before the fall and to some degree …running from becoming close is one aspect that is actually PRIDE.
Zaza,
As usual, your insights are wonderful gold mines filled with valuable insights. The ‘goal’ of marriage has indeed changed. In modern culture it has become more about who we choose to be our ‘playmate’ without any regard to raising children or comprehending the ‘one flesh’ concept. It is a contract that people enter into until they no longer love them or they no longer meet their needs. It is as if the consumer culture has finally touched the institution of marriage as well. When marriage is entered as a consumer, spouses want to be stimulated, have their needs met, be entertained and coddled. It may make for a fun time for a while but it does not provide a solid foundation for raising children. I have my own ideas about when and how this change happened.
I also like your insight that many couples believe they have trust based on how they ‘hit it off’. That is an astute observation. It is further evidence of the emphasis on sensuality in modern culture. They feel good/safe, so they assume there is ‘trust’. They do not understand what trust truly is. I address this in my video and book on trust. Many people have accepted plastic imitations of trust rather than the ‘real’ thing. They have a substitute for the original and do not realize it.
You are also insightful regarding “I think this idea that being married is a ‘trap’ or ‘prison’ of some kind is often the stuff of jokes…” My experience is that what people joke about often reveals what is truly in their heart. This view of marriage as a trap is a dangerous poison. The longer people hold onto it and nurture it, the nastier it becomes. It is as if they nurture this idea until it grows to the point that they ‘hate’ their marriage and view an affair as a solution to their situation. When couples put each other down and take hurtful digs at each other it is often indicative of this kind of thinking.
When the wrong image of marriage is in their heart, they make wrong decisions. This is made worse by society departing from Biblical standards. The further they stray, the sicker marriages will become. Besides marriages, all their relationships will become sick as well.
When the basic design for life is corrupted, it produces…more corruption. That is as simple as that one gets.
Thank you for sharing. It always gives me a lot to think about.
Thank you Jeff for your refection…
I feel sometimes it is difficult to get such from anyone ..especially since I now trust no one …but still want to ..and I don’t trust my own instincts either.
I am trying to gain more understanding of how to tell the character of someone …but after years of being deceived …of giving the benefit of the doubt …of finding out how deliberate deception is rampant even among believers or ‘so said they believers’ …I think I have come through a LOT of what has been presumed to be truth in the world that has really raced down the hill of morality away from scripture as truth.
The long war against God has had it’s impact within liberal seminaries long ago which has had a shot gun effect upon generations of those who sought to learn about GOD but not necessarily FROM God.
The ‘intellectual’ attack upon the Bible with the age of ‘reason’ and the documentary hypothesis begun in Germany if I am not mistaken also had an impact upon how we have thought about the Bible and few realize that this was even a ‘thing’ ….show what can happen when you pursue understanding .
It takes some real zeal and effort to change our way of thinking …but the Bible tells us it is a MUST for us to seek after knowledge and ask for wisdom from GOD so that we might not be deceived.
I think I had a flabby childhood in terms of learning anything biblical …so be it …gotta keep pursuing ..there is nowhere else to go as the apostles remarked to Jesus when he ask them ‘will you too go away’
67 Then said Jesus unto the twelve, Will ye also go away?
68 Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life.
69 And we believe and are sure that thou art that Christ, the Son of the living God.
There is no where else to go …so we continue in His Word and then he said we would be his disciples indeed.
To be a disciple is to be trained ..and that implies we don’t start out with our lives in line with His but it is promising if we continue that we will be taught by Him….
1 John 2:21 I have not written unto you because ye know not the truth, but because ye know it, and that no lie is of the truth.
22 Who is a liar but he that denieth that Jesus is the Christ? He is antichrist, that denieth the Father and the Son.
23 Whosoever denieth the Son, the same hath not the Father: he that acknowledgeth the Son hath the Father also.
24 Let that therefore abide in you, which ye have heard from the beginning. If that which ye have heard from the beginning shall remain in you, ye also shall continue in the Son, and in the Father.
25 And this is the promise that he hath promised us, even eternal life.
26 These things have I written unto you concerning them that seduce you.
27 But the anointing which ye have received of him abideth in you, and ye need not that any man teach you: but as the same anointing teacheth you of all things, and is truth, and is no lie, and even as it hath taught you, ye shall abide in him.
28 And now, little children, abide in him; that, when he shall appear, we may have confidence, and not be ashamed before him at his coming.
29 If ye know that he is righteous, ye know that every one that doeth righteousness is born of him.
Zaza,
You not trusting yourself makes total sense to me. With affairs there are two scars. The scar of what was done to you and the scar of what you do to yourself. Both of them need healing.
On your other issue, some resources I have found useful are
Ripped Out of the Bible
and
Which Version is the Bible
, both by Floyd Nolen Jones.
I have found his work thorough and well documented, along with personally being acquainted with him. You will see that what transpired in Germany and the Seminaries began even before that.
Thanks for the suggested reading …I will check them out….also nice to have some confirmation….you are good at that among other things here.
Zaza,
You are welcome. I think you will find them interesting and valuable.