Would you recognize your marriage going to the dark side? Although you may recognize
the dark side when it happens, many people can not. One reason is that the slippery slope to the dark side happens incrementally. It is not a sudden shift, but one that happens a little at a time.
What starts off as jokes about affairs and swinging, incrementally moves choice by choice to where it eventually happens. Shifts will be made from moral positions to those of what is healthy to what is enjoyable.
Along with these shifts in language, is a glamorization of swinging. Those involved will be portrayed as ‘attractive’ and ‘cool’. This is part of the descent as well. When you resist swinging, you are then seen as rejecting what is attractive and cool.
After the affair or swinging, the whole situation like a whirlpool drags you deeper into the dark side to where it becomes a way of life. By the time you wake up, you realize you no longer can tell the difference.
It starts with the jokes. Then comes the fantasizing. Rather than fantasize about your spouse, you begin fantasizing being with others. The time will come when the fantasies no longer do it for you and you begin testing limits, first with the eyes, then verbally, then actually seeing how far you can go, or letting people take you as far as you can. The one working on luring you into the lifestyle may even have you witness swinging.
The arousal of seeing it in action often stimulates you visually, auditory and sensually to a degree that is ovewhelming. What may have started as curiosity is turned into an opportunity to give you a sensory overload. When your senses are overly stimulated, it often makes it difficult for the rational or moral reasoning parts of your mind to compete.
Your limits on ‘how far you are willing to go‘ continue being erased and redrawn. Those lines that you told yourself you would never cross are now redefined and fuzzy. If you hold firm, you are faced with accusations of being ‘afraid’ or not being adventurous enough. At times, these accusations may come from your spouse and at others from inside yourself. It does not help that some swinging sites give tips on this process. Getting you to overcome your natural resistance to it is part of the descent to the dark side of swinging.
What used to be black and white are now in shades of gray. Your mind shifts from what ‘may happen’ to how can you cover up what did happen. Your whole reference point shifts. You find yourself no longer being concerned about how far you go, but instead on who knows what.
Since misery loves company, the time may come that you start dragging your spouse into what you are doing. Somehow it makes you feel safer or not so bad if they are doing what you are doing. The non-negotiables that once existed are now negotiable. Your marriage is redefined. It is no longer an exclusive relationship, where you value one person above all others. Instead, it becomes ‘estate management’.
Your decisions become based on risk to your financial status rather than based on morals. You are living on the dark side and no longer recognize morals when you see them. The lines that people draw are not about right and wrong, instead they are negotiating positions, that you have to find their price or ‘point of negotiation’. Your life is no longer ruled by morals. What matters is who knows what, who is on the inside and who is on the outside. You and those around you are now merchandise that goes to the highest bidder.
In my mind, the slippery slope begins with the fantasies and jokes.
The shift is about viewing people as valuable to where you view them as merchandise or products.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
2 Responses
Right on again Jeff. Once on that dark side, they also revise history and justify current positions to keep the light of day away. I hear from the unfaithful wife: “it’s girlfriend talk…everyone does that”, “texts, chats and conversations with my friends are none of you GD business”, “lighten up, we’re just joking”, “I shouldn’t have to tell you where I am and who I’m with if just friends”, “I’ve always been this way you just didn’t know it”, “maybe I’m just NOT an honest and sincere person”, “you’re so controlling”. The 50 Shades of Grey books were the hit of the friends group, almost an obsession. Came at a bad time for us, probably adding to the damaging, casual attitude toward sex, betrayal. Hear the movie is coming out. Yippee.
Untold,
Thank you for your comments and encouraging words. The revising and justifying is often an on-going process, since they have to continue redrawing where “the line” is in their lives. My own experience is that cheaters are proficient in double-meanings, so much so that it is like them speaking another language. The reality is that…they are speaking another language. Part of the double-meanings or double-ententes is using humor or sarcasm to deflect things when they become too intense for them.
Your mention of the “I’ve always been this way, you just didn’t know it” is often heard from those so deep into the dark side that they have denied almost all responsibility for their actions. Anything that happens is attributed to urges, drives or passion. Such ploys sound reasonable, but amount to nothing more than an avoidance tactic.
In terms of the ’50 Shades of Grey’, I see it as part of ‘the normalization’ of pornography for women. Such products make the pornography and acting out appear ‘mainstream’. It is more popular to call it ‘popular literature’ than ‘slut accelerant’.
All The Best,
Jeff