On reading through the queries sent to me, it’s clear that there are many pain points that you and others like you are suffering through. It’s bad enough that the mainstream news peddles ‘suffering porn’, but when it comes to affairs, things hit home.
One of the recent queries concerned telling your adult child about an affair.
Part of what makes this dilemma painful is that the information shatters the image the child had of you as their parent. Learning that one of their parents had an affair changes your whole relationship.
Such changes present challenges for adult children. For them, it’s a sudden and drastic change in their relationship with the cheater and with yourself. They feel betrayed by both of you, but for different reasons. One for cheating and one for keeping a secret from them.
In a moment of time, they suddenly lose the parents they grew up with. whatever emotional security they had in their home is GONE. Sure the parent is still there, yet emotionally, they’re gone. They no longer exist.
Whatever trust they had developed over the years evaporates in a matter of minutes. The affair stole the parent they grew up with!
At that moment, don’t be surprised if they’re unsure how to interact with the cheater or with you. They are still trying to make sense of things. Initially they may experience a wide range of emotions ranging from disgust to being stunned by the news.
They’re still related to you, yet the relationship is strained and twisted in an unusual fashion.
Another painful revelation is that of when an adult child discovers their parents are swingers. In that case, they suddenly lose the image of both parents at the same time.
There is no perfect way of conveying such information. Although the cheater should accept responsibility for what they’ve done, it doesn’t always happen that way.
If you expect your adult child to take the information ‘in stride’, you’ll likely be disappointed. Yes, they’re adults and they know you’re an adult as well.
When your marriage is dysfunctional, adult children may welcome news of the affair. This is especially true when the marital relationship has been strained for a period of time. In those situations, they may even be relieved at news of the affair.
In those cases, news of the affair only validates trust that was damaged long before.
Whether the news of the affair is more traumatic or welcomed, the damaged trust still needs repair. Rather than allowing the emotional wounding to continue in hopes that it’ll improve over time, work is needed on rebuilding trust.
You can use my video on “How Can I Trust You Again?” in helping you and them move past the damaged trust. You can also learn what is needed in your family in order to rebuild this part of the relationship damaged by news of the affair.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
