Cheaters often behave like ‘jerks’. They are not only selfish in their thinking, they are also insensitive, crass, and behave like a ‘jerk’. Even when the affair is over, you will be left with the Jerk. For your marriage to have hope, the cheater will have to learn how to stop being a jerk and to be less selfish.
Like the old chicken and the egg, knowing which comes first, the jerk or the affair is often hard to determine, since the two are so intertwined. I am inclined to think that the jerk behavior comes before the affair. The affair is anther way that they engage in their jerk behavior or selfish immaturity. They have not learned the kind of self-restraint that is needed to make a marriage work. The flimsy excuse they give of “I can’t help it!” or “It is just a guy/woman thing!” or the classic “It was animal passion!”. These are all ways of making their jerky behavior tolerable. When they treat you badly, it is often only a matter of time before they indulge in their selfish and immature tendencies. Although they tell you that they are an adult, they do not show any of the self-discipline that comes with adulthood. They still engage in pubescent fantasies at first opportunity.
Undoing immaturity may take years. Recognizing it and calling it what it is, is a place to begin undoing the immaturity.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
3 Responses
True…I homeshooled my children ..it takes concerted effort and focus to train character….the person who needs to start as an adult had to really WANT to …they have to recognize the need ….in our case …learning “why’ not to have female ‘friendships’ and ‘relationships’ or at least HOW to conduct all business without some kind of ‘friendship’ that involves a growing ‘relationship’ that endangers marriage
This is sticky aspect of modern business..but just like an alcoholic cannot be around alcohol. ….one who has been unfaithful MAY have to stop encouraging opposite sex relationships even though they have to at work ….it is something they have to CARE about in terms of setting boundaries with people they work with …my husband tells me he does not flirt and never has …that is almost worse …since he does not want to OWN how his behavior encourages and does not set clear boundaries to keep women from getting more and more close to him or wanting to .
I told him it is not loving to draw women’s emotions and that he should do everything possible to learn how to change his behavior …maybe wear a wedding band….maybe not meet with any of them or take them to lunch …and to try to keep his interaction at a minimum and with less warmth ..
it is not natural for him to do so …being so charming and all …but it just gets down to who matters more …me or ‘hurting’ someone elses feelings’ for the sake of keeping things on a purely business level
At this point he is not willing to take a look at his behavior or to change his methods of relating.
Sigh. Raising one batch of children already was a lot of work ..’raising ‘ a man is ridiculous and I do not want to be his ‘mother’!!!
Just reading a book called “Irresistible Husband …for the man who WANTS to know…..” by Edwin Louis Cole…from Amazon….It really does a pretty direct job of speaking man to man on subjects that address manhood …what it is …what has been effecting the loss of the compass of it ..how it effects wife, family and society …
You know I was spending the last several years researching ‘why’ there are so few mature men …finding a lot of answers in the word of course….and in such books as “Missing From Action’ about the effects of the Industrial revolution on the roles of Fathers, husbands, wives , children and thus culture ….
This book Irresistible Husband ‘ really does a good job of speaking to men about what they may not even realize about WHY they do what they do and think what they think …and the ways to overcome the conditions our culture has pressed upon people’s view of manhood and marriage
Just a thought …wish my husband would read it …but the ego is too huge …even at the beginning of the book Mr.Cole discusses what kind of man will make the most of his wisdom…..it all goes back to what GOD has told us …someone must WANT to learn and be teachable …to see the NEED for whatever is offered….and willing to follow through .
The usual ‘carrot’ of a paycheck is not necessarily visible for the reader…..but something better if they can believe it …and value it …a LIFE worth living without regret!
Raising children with character is definitely a challenge in today’s world. It does require tremendous effort.
It sounds like the book your reading has some real value.
Thanks for your comments Jeff….the book does strike a proverbial ‘chord’ but it’s usefulness is like anything else….it requires desire and willingness to apply to our lives…My husband has too much pride and too little hope of being ‘helped’ ….if it is not instant or easy he is not interested….but he works HARD for his career and to address the various issues that come up regarding the children of the OW.
This escape from his most pertinent responsibilities in the jurisdiction of our marriage is sufficient enough to make all of the years of my efforts toward loving him rather null and void as he has not experienced any of it other than us being the ‘homebase’ for his ‘wonderful life’
“Ready for my close up Mr DeMille’ …..Gloria Swanson as Norma Desmond in the movie Sunset Blvd…narcissism personified.