In some recent exchanges with an AP (Affair Partner-a.k.a. the Lover), she raised some items needing attention. Although you may not want to even consider the AP’s opinion, thoughts or concerns, ignoring them is at your own peril.
Her emails referred to themes like ‘true love’ and the romantic notion of ‘fighting for love’. These are powerful motives for anyone. Romantic notions like these give people inspiration and hope.
It also tells me that you’re not the only one ‘fighting for love’. The AP has some similar drives. In the past, I’ve used the comment that ‘all’s fair in love and war.’
When someone is fighting for ‘true love’ they follow their rule book. That means that the struggle for the attention and affection of the cheater won’t be respectable or decent. They will use whatever games and manipulations they can come up with.
When you’re driven by ‘true love’ and fighting for it, the notion empowers you, even when you’re feeling desperate. When you feel hopeless, recalling what you’re fighting for has a way of energizing you.
As tempting as it may be to dismiss the AP’s opinions and concerns, it’s important to acknowledge them. Love is a powerful force that can make people act in ways they never thought possible. This is why it’s crucial to understand where the AP is coming from.
It also energizes the lover. This means it’s essential that the affair relationship is ended to extinguish it. They are best ended swiftly and completely. If you allow time for good-bye’s or winding down, you risk breathing new life into the affair. The AP is doing everything they can to keep the relationship alive while you are trying to kill it.
Although it sounds ruthless that you need to cut off all contact, it’s essential. Ending the affair requires not giving ground to your competition mentally, relationally, or emotionally.
Negotiating a cease-fire for the affair means that the affair isn’t over. Begging the lover to leave is a desperate move that seldom accomplishes what you hoped.
If you don’t know how to handle the ending of the affair, download the video “Overcoming Affair Relapse.” Knowing about triggers and high-risk situations and ways of handling them are the kinds of tools you need is end the affair.
Being ruthless about ending the affair includes dealing with affair fantasies and daydreaming about what happened. There are ways of handling those items which you’ll discover.
A motivated AP is a threat to your marriage. Ignoring it opens the door to danger.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
