I have puzzled over the pattern I often see with couples in the midst of infidelity. That pattern is that little or nothing was done in terms of prevention when there were signs of trouble in the marriage.
The partners recognized that problems were present, but in a majority of cases they weren’t willing to do anything at that point. Instead, they chose to either ignore the problem hoping it would go away or to tell themselves it will get better. Instead of improving, the situation worsened to the point of infidelity.
Then they start asking questions about what happened and the infamous “why?”. Although at times I have been tempted to ask them “why did the affair happen?” or “Why didn’t you take action when it was preventable?”.
When you’re vulnerable, you’re not ready for the challenge of the question concerning the reasons they did not take the preventable actions. Problems are always easier to fix before the crisis.
When in the midst of crisis, it always takes longer, is more painful and more expensive. In pondering the reason that people take the longer, more painful, more expensive path, my first conclusion is that suffering is necessary.
Whether it be for reasons of penance, blaming, self-pity or some other reason, there is suffering. The suffering could have been avoided. I recognize that in today’s culture, many people often ignore or are completely unaware of gut feelings or suspicions. (Part of recovery involves awakening and listening to those gut feelings again. )
Although I dislike seeing people suffer, without the associated pain, many persons would never take any action or change what they had been doing. So back to the original question, “Is suffering necessary?”.
The answer is yes. I am still pondering the purpose suffering does in affair situations. Several answers have arisen, but there is not one skeleton key, one size fits all type of answer to the question.
The pertinent question is “What am I getting out of suffering?” “What is the payoff to my suffering?” and “When will I get tired of suffering?”. When people get tired of suffering and have experienced their allotment of pain, they begin making changes. It is my hopes that each of you move past the suffering and learn from it.
Regards,
Jeff
