On reading a letter from a betrayed wife who made frequent references to her ‘was-band’, I was struck by her talking about ‘feeling safe again’. Which has If her situation involved abuse or threats, it makes total sense. But the letter mentioned not a single such incident. So what was she alluding to?
At first, I took it as an allusion to the ‘safety’ of being with someone who loved and adored her, instead of one that let her down.
In such cases, no longer living in trauma-inducing situations would allow safety to grow. In her case, it concerned how her husband ogled other women when with her in public. Anytime they went out in public she relived the pain of being rejected for someone else.
With time, she began to realize that he never loved her and was attracted to younger women. His ‘ogling’ was not an expression of attraction for her, but a symptom of his desire for others.
Now, she no longer has to worry about him doing that. When I put myself in her place, it would give me a sense of relief or peace rather than ‘feeling safe’.
Her choice of talking about feeling safe may be her way of saying that she now feels secure about herself and her situation. Living with someone who is in ‘affair mode’ eats away at any sense of security. It is hard to feel confident when you are constantly being compared to someone else and found wanting. It’s even worse when you are doing the comparing.
The letter writer may not have realized it, but in talking about feeling safe again, she was also saying that she feels more confident now and able to take on the world. No longer does she have to put up with a man who made her insecure with his actions.
She can now walk down the street without disapproving looks or gestures triggered by her husband. This is a ‘safety’ issue for her. As is knowing she no longer has to worry about his controlling behavior, insults, and insensitivity.
She can now do what makes her happy and not live under the shadow of someone who constantly criticized her.
Those looks and gestures are unsettling. In some cases, they trigger reactions from jealous spouses. Living with such fear will soon have you dread going anywhere in public. You always wonder if you’re being evaluated based on what your spouse is doing, what their wearing or how they’re looking at others.
Her comments bring to light the scars that come with affairs. In this case, it has a traumatizing effect.
She was robbed of the peace of mind and confidence she once enjoyed. Her freedom to walk down the street without disapproval was taken from her. I wonder if she realized she was putting her confidence in the opinion of a man who wasn’t safe in the first place.
Returning back to ‘normal’ and feeling safe again requires that you work through the trauma. Ignoring the fears and scars won’t make them go away. They also don’t fade away with time. You get used to them, but that’s very different than resolving those issues.
It’s important to work through the trauma that affairs bring. Without doing so, you don’t move forward in your recovery or approach healthy relationships when they arise in the future.
Once healed, you’ll find yourself ‘feeling safe’ again in public spaces.
You no longer have to dread being noticed by others. You can walk with security once again.
In the video “Overcoming Affair Trauma”, I share with you ways of moving past the hurts, pains and fears. Rather than stay paralyzed, you can move past what happened to you.
The first step is acknowledging that the affair has traumatized you in some way. Second, start to work through the emotions you’re currently experiencing. And third, take action steps to begin rebuilding your life.
Click and download your copy today.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
