Unless you live under a rock, popular culture has been fascinated with “50 Shades of Grey”, with people expressing opinions all over the spectrum of reactions. With all the fascination that ‘Masscult’ (Massive popular culture) has with the book and movie, it was time to address the issue here at “Survive Your Partners Affair”.
First, I have not read any of the books and do not want to. What you read shapes your thoughts and view of the world. Years ago, I read some Marquis de Sade, which dealt with sadism and masochism and it was enough for me.
Reading it helped me understand some things, but it also took a while to recover from reading it. Jumping back into anything like that is not something I wish to expose myself to.
I’d rather focus on finding ways of improving the quality of marriage relationships than seeking the intense sensual stimulation of an experience during the marriage as a method of improving things. In my mind, marriages need more emphasis on quality than intense stimulation.
Quality rather than intensity is a better way of improving closeness.
Intense experiences, like drugs, often leave you wanting more and more of the adrenaline rush. With intense experience, the one experiencing it often develops a stronger attachment to the experience than to their spouse. It turns you into an ‘experience junkie’ seeking the next high.
Seeking intensity leads to seeking repeats of intense experiences. The repeated seeking of intense experiences is akin to a junkie seeking a drug high. In these case, its seeking the buzz of intense experiences.
I don’t see that as a good state to strive for. You want your marriage to be about the relationship you have with each other rather than ‘seeking the next buzz’, which makes you vulnerable to any new stranger that comes along with a more intense buzz.
I have also learned that the term “grey area” gets strange when it comes to social mores and morals. Although people like to think that there is Black and White with Grey being where the two meet, the reality is more like White and Black, with the questionable things creeping into the white areas, not somewhere in the “grey”.
As a student of history I’ve learned that some of the greatest societal wrongs have been committed in the ‘white’ areas. The White-Grey-Black paradigm often shows up with affairs.
Some people never actually consider their actions wrong when they do them. They often give themselves good reasons for doing bad acts or in their minds ‘grey’ acts.
Since they mix the white with the bad act, they assume that the resulting grey is somehow acceptable. To them it falls into the ‘not so bad’ category.
Somehow when things fall into a “grey” area it is equated with being questionable, but not illegal. This is dangerous way of thinking along with being a false paradigm of such areas of social behavior.
When a book is already presenting itself as focusing on a topic that is in the “grey area” right off the bat, I am leery of it.
My focus is on helping you and others recover from affairs, along with reducing the risk of affairs.
You need to ask yourself questions such as “Will it improve my marriage?”, “Will it bring us closer?”, “Will it help us recover from an affair?” or even “Will it make me a better person?” when considering books that will impact you and your thinking.
If you want to improve your marriage, that bring you closer, and improve your feelings toward each other, the answer lies in other areas. The program “30 Days to a Better Marriage” shares with you positive ways of improving your marriage rather than the 50 Shades of Grey route.
Best Regards,
Jeff
3 Responses
Good blog Jeff. I struggled with this. The height of my unfaithful wife’s affair occurred coincident with her and some “friends” reading the books. They were almost obsessed. Even had group parties with 50 shades theme. Definitely stimulated interests in experimenting within the marriage. I feel the fantasy affected discipline, conscience, boundaries. After all what is an affair? A fantasy-land for the cheater and a gut-wrenching betrayal for the faithful. Wife says (with contempt) that it had nothing to do with it. Just reading a book with friends, totally independent. Somehow I don’t think so, especially for those with weak character and lack of self-control.
Untold,
Thank you for telling about your experience. It is unfortunate that a book has that kind of negative impact. I had no idea about the group parties with the 50 shades theme. Talk about going all out! Fantasies can often unleash powerful forces. I see more negative outcomes than benefits from fantasies in marriages, and for that reason I discourage them. Books with dangerous ideas have historically done more damage than dangerous people have. Books often look innocent. The readers will say, they are just ideas on a page. Once those ideas get into your head, they lead to actions. As the writer Richard Weaver once said, “Ideas have consequences”. He was not a counselor, but was very familiar with the power of dangerous books. Books will either enrich your life or steal from your life, with little in between.
The WORD of GOD brought forth Creation…thwarted Satan’s attempts to tempt Jesus Christ after 40 days in the wilderness, delivered people in all kinds of ways as Jesus ministered by way of “it is written’
Throughout the Bible and especially in the NT epistles the promenence of the WORD being central and our being in dire need of not just knowledge but understanding by way of our trusting the Lord to bring us to maturity and acting upon it ..is one HUGE topic for any human to take to heart.
The importance of words in our minds being the pivotal point of how we decided to choose our way is also not lost upon the Devil.
He , being temporarily the ‘god of this world’ is very skilled at deception and that begins in the mind.
Temptations by way of eyes…and thoughts was the KEY aspect as Jesus warned men of their need to ‘be careful little eyes what you see” along with ‘not to touch or help himself to any woman NOT his wife’
This same warning goes for women …it was just more applicable to men of that time for sure because men had to go to some real effort to be exposed to many of those things we have EVERYWHERE in our faces today.
The design of the mind to trigger secretion of hormones that draw people to one another sexually may not have been every day knowledge back then but JESUS knew about the power of thoughts to lead one away from sin or draw one into it …depending upon one’s knowledge, understanding and willingness to obey or apply what He told them.
Guarding one’s thought life and learning to starve the fleshly lusts and replace ungodly or immoral thoughts is almost an unknown thing with books like this coming out and people not discerning what the meaning of jurisdiction , order and moral benefits to keeping one’s mind filled with the thoughts of the Word of GOD …but with understanding .
The suggestion that keeping sex in marriage is wrong in some circles has been going on for some time. Those that hold to this kind of liscense have not understood that those who hold the biblical view of sex are not purdish but have understood the purpose and value of purity and how sexual desire though created by God as GOOD only remains so within the design of how GOD intended it to be protected and purposed for good…for the married couple.
We don’t have to look too far to know the damage done yet many are blinded to it by something like this being ‘popular’ and ‘fun’ in the minds of those who know not God or His word in truth.
As we know ..those who claim to know the Lord may think so but if they ignore His command to study and keep His word and grow in the knowledge of it by way of their own study will fall prey to the “trends’ of churches and peers who don’t take the scriptures to heart…and deny the faith even as they may draw near with their lips.
Sadly this is an attack upon the children as much as the marriage for when WOMEN cast off the value of virtue and their influence upon children …despite how they may have already cast off respect for GOD and their husbands…we have to wonder if the end is not as near as our next breath.
As one friend of mine said …she cannot help but wonder when the clouds will break through and we will be ‘outta here’
But the sad truth is that many are buying doctrines that are ‘permissive’ where God has set clear boundaries and they don’t even realize how dangerous this is ..or maybe they do and don’t care as long as ‘it feels good do it ‘ ….somehow back to the 60’s is a poor choice …but sometimes we see that people don’t learn when it comes to pleasures….somehow they believe that will never be me…when the STD tests come back positive..
So sorry for those who are not listening!!!! and those who suffer the fall out who are paying attention to the Bible !
2Ti 4:3 For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears;