Recently a reader posed a challenging question that some of you may have struggled with. “If a relationship that started
through an affair, resulted in the breakdown of an original family, will the new relationship be tainted?”
One of the problems with affairs is that there is a risk that a new family unit will form. That new unit is created from the broken pieces of two former families.
It’s a family created out of loss. Like anything created from broken and used parts, there will be potential problems, even under the best of circumstances.
When families are created from broken families, they carry their brokenness with them into the new family. There are often issues of trust, loyalty and identity. The ‘new’ broken family may thrive despite the handicap they started with. The handicap is always there, as part of the family identity, like a stranger lurking in the shadows.
That brokenness is something that everyone in the family carries. Like a sore that never heals, you will find that the situation is always one surrounded by sensitivity. Even after you put some years behind you, there’s always a flinching when people bring things up.
When that broken family began through an affair, there is the added dimension of always wondering if there will be ‘another’ affair. The roles of husband and wife are never secure.
They are always some doubts and fears of competition. Someone may come along and want your position or your spouse’s position.
Some cheaters also find the situation disappointing. The lover they married often changes and does not do the ‘fun’ things they did when they were having the affair. The fun and excitement they felt is no longer there. If the cheater began the marriage wanting to continue the excitement, there is a let down.
For those of you wanting a Biblical answer, the answer is a dose of even stronger medicine. Although there are themes of forgiveness and cleansing, this is a situation where the stains do not come out.
In Proverbs 6, Scripture addresses the topic. (32 But whoso committeth adultery with a woman lacketh †understanding:He that doeth it destroyeth his own soul.33 A wound and dishonour shall he get;And his reproach shall not be wiped away.).
In other words, the fragmented family lives with a permanent stain. It may be washed out and faded, but it still remains. Oxyclean won’t remove this emotional stain.
There is also the emotional damage done (e.g. destroyed his own soul). This is part of the brokenness I mentioned earlier. The cheater is never the man or woman they once were.
They loose part of themselves in the whole affair process, along with experiencing hurts at a very deep level. Those hurts can be healed and overcome, yet there is ‘still the limp’.
All wounds leave tell tale signs behind reminding you that they happened. You heal, but your body remembers the original hurt. In this case, you heart remembers the original hurts.
Some of you may be willing to live with those hurts and pains, others are not. There will always be some baggage. With fragmented families, you are always carrying someone else’s baggage.
Blended families, with the many wounds and massive baggage need the helps provided in the ‘
Affair Recovery Workshop‘. The techniques for opening up communication along with understanding the drama triangle and family dynamics are tools that help the family run smoother.
In blended families, there are many hurt feelings and resentments. An affair makes these things worse.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
Hard to imagine it wouldn’t be very tough row for anyone who entered into a marriage and then broke it up and then married the untrustworthy person they committed adultery with!
The doubts should be addressed and consider the character of anyone who doesn’t put the best interest of the original spouse and children ahead of self .
Also any person who is married has a responsibility not just to keep their word …their VOW but they have a responsibility to learn how to become content with the spouse they chose and how to live with gratitude for what they have .
There are no perfect people , despite what Hollywood may convey ….all smoke and mirrors. Unless one expects to live IN a room filled with smoke and avoids mirrors then there may be a chance that their will remain blind and even with that have an ‘exit’ plan …so immature!
I observe that living for number one is something we expect adolescents to change in focus..even humanists encourage service to others….but some people grow up and remain a ‘teen’ or even a ‘tween ‘ in mentality and others serve them with some kind of fatal hope of change.
People change when it matters to them. For a person who comes to Jesus Christ the concern for how our choices effect others and uphold the honor of the Lord becomes a growing desire to learn about HOW to do that .
For those raised to think they are the center of the universe and deserve whatever they want no matter who it harms…there is a real need to learn how they can be identified.
Lots of charades going on in our world. How can you know ? I have been learning from study of the Bible and asking the Lord …I have a slow learning curve since I don’t want to doubt anyone yet we are told to be wise…and to walk circumspectly.
I am guessing that is a pretty good caution against the sudden buying whatever anyone says and really is a warning not to ‘hook up’ as they say today …ugh.
As far as the fall out upon family members I think I have mentioned how normalizing divorce and marriage promotes a number of false impressions of how to get along in marriage and endure with joy …’
Just saying..breaking in one spouse is not only wise and good even though it takes a lot of work sometimes and a lot of opening up …it is really a great idea…people we may find attractive may be many but living a lifetime really can instruct us in what is deep and important in life.
Why keep skimming the thrills off of multiple people when sooner or later reality and life brings us to the task of being authentic with gentleness ….can’t be all that bad since God has told us how to do so …and He will reward a genuine vow keeper .
Seems to me….
Zaza,
It is definitely a tough question and a challenging situation for anyone to have to deal with. I felt that it is one of those questions that many people ask, yet few people even try addressing, since there are no ‘easy’ answers.