One of the questions that arises in dealing with affairs is that of denial. I’ve written about whether one is dealing with denial or lying in a previous post.
The aspect of denial that I will address today is how strong can denial be? There are many levels of denial. At it’s strongest, denial can distort reality.
The distortion can be so strong that the cheater creates a whole separate reality. They often take compartmentalizing to the extreme, rather than admit to their denial.
Since the person is not always aware they are distorting matters, they may not consider it lying. Since affairs involve behavior that’s unacceptable to the adulterer, there may be a total denial of what occurred.
(This is when you are not dealing with a deceiver who knows they are doing wrong and just lies about it, even in the face of evidence).
In such cases, they will need to be confronted with hard evidence of their actions. Although long term psychotherapy can break through some some denial, the time required is often more that is available.
When you’re dealing with denial, the adulterer may even see the hard evidence and claim that it is someone else. Since they sincerely believe that it was not them, they will be convincing.
It is possible that the recent Roger Clemens story is a case of denial as well. The denials in his situation eventually led to the suicide of his former lover. Such stories remind you that affairs are a matter of life and death.
There are also cases of partial denial. This occurs where the adulterer does not recall portions of what they did. It is as if there are portions of their memory wiped clean rather than recollection of the whole matter.
There may be denial concerning the facts, their emotions or their thinking. Since many adulterers often go into a trance-like state during the affair, they often do not recall the full details of what they did and said. It may be years before they recall fully what they were a part of.
There are often tell tale signs of lying. These can include poor eye contact, avoidance of the issues, scratching or rubbing the nose.
It’s my assumption that you know your spouse well enough to know their unique tell tale signals. If you do not know when they are lying, then that is an area needing improvement.
To sum it up, denial can be so strong it denies reality. It can be full or partial. Denial and lying are two distinctly different things that each require a different way of dealing with them.
If you need help understanding the thinking of cheaters, the ebook, “Why He Cheats” guides you through the maze of confused thinking.
Best Regards,
Jeff
