In the heat of a couple’s arguments, you hear them spewing out words that don’t make sense. Except for the rings that they wear, you’d think that the two of you are enemies in the midst of a heated discussion.
If you simply slow down and put yourself in the shoes of your spouse, perhaps you can mend your misunderstandings and rebuild their marriage. Marriages start and end with communication.
People often fight back with harsh words when you feel that you are being misunderstood or that your point of view is being attacked. When you suddenly feel the rage building up inside you, pause for a while and check yourself.
Are you going to say what you are about to say just to get even and attack back?
There could be grains of truth in what your spouse told you that can help you develop your person and your marriage. Stop and listen!
This is one of the big challenges couples face in counseling. They often respond with “What about MY feelings?” or defend their actions rather than try to understand their spouse.
Focus on understanding. Understand first, before explanations, before excuses, and before demands.
Direct your attention to understanding what happened, what they were thinking, what they were feeling. When you understand, you can better deal with the situation.
The temptation is to judge the situation and confront your spouse with your assumptions, BEFORE you have heard them out.
When you really understand, it goes a long way to open up communication and bring healing. When people feel understood, they open up more.
When you feel that your spouse wants to understand you, effort is made to help them to so. On the other hand, when you feel cut off or shut down, you lose any motivation for opening up.
Sure, you may get your point across, but…were they listening? Did they actually hear what you said? If you weren’t trying to understand them, they probably didn’t hear you, even though you spent hours crafting what you said.
Modern society emphasizes the importance of the ME. When you go into an argument with your main agenda being getting your point across, you’ll miss out on the most important part.
When you go into discussions with job #1 being ‘understanding’ your spouse rather than it being ‘getting your point expressed’, you’ll leave with a better outcome.
If you have recently gone through an affair, you should realize that your marriage has taken a beating and badly needs healing.
When you put yourself in the shoes of your partner and start seeing things from his or her perspective you start gaining understanding. That way, you can see the situation better and more objectively.
For more help on improving marital communication, the video, “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” gives you techniques and tools designed for helping the two of you connect better.
Best Regards,
Jeff
