The question was posed by one of our readers, “What is the Biblical response to my spouse flirting?” Being that I’m not a minister or trained theologian, I can’t respond to the Biblical aspect.
What I can tell you is that flirting can mislead people. It leads a person to make assumptions about the relationship that are not so.
It’s one thing to be friendly, yet once the friendliness becomes sexualized, it’s definitely flirting of a dangerous kind.
This includes winking, suggestive gesturing, using double entendres, and eye action. Each of these behaviors poses threats.
Scripture clearly addresses the danger of winking eyes and flattery, which are two of the major components of flirting.(Proverbs 10:10)
It also addresses the issue of your communication being clear (e.g. yes being yes and no being no), which touches on the double entendre. Your ‘yes’ answers need to mean yes and ‘no’ mean no. Flirting frequently confuses the signals sent.
Flirting signals that you are physically interested when they may already be married. When you give a false signal, you are giving a double-message.
With the knowledge being uncovered about the brain and how it works, the brain doesn’t distinguish between the virtual world/rehearsing/flirting and actually following through with sexual advances. The brain operates on the operative words while ignoring the others.
For example, when you say “I don’t kiss on the first date”, the brain hears ‘kiss on first date’ while ignoring the ‘don’t’. You may have sent a ‘safe’ message, yet the receivers brain hears a different message.
This is why some people feel guilty just for fantasizing and daydreaming about affairs. Flirting often includes a fantasy component.
Although the brain doesn’t distinguish between virtual and real, you still have to deal with “Did they actually do anything wrong?” Morally, I find it hard to say there was wrong doing when the behavior hasn’t crossed the line of impropriety.
Their motives are suspect, yet their behavior may be acceptable.
When it remains in their head, their brain may have said that they did it, yet when they haven’t done it, I find myself handling it differently. Separating intentions from actions is important although challenging at times.
Rather than making such distinctions, it’s easier avoiding anything that even appears to ‘cross the line’ of impropriety. It would also take me a MUCH longer post to address the issues associated with virtual cheating versus real cheating.
If the behavior is not part of good manners, it’s best avoided. I recognize that many of you and your spouses haven’t been instructed in good manners.
When good manners are carried out both internally and externally, people behave themselves and flirting isn’t an issue. Although developing good manners is ideal, most people prefer focusing on avoiding crossing the line of improper flirting (e.g. doing the wrong thing) rather than striving for doing what’s right.
Many cheaters find creative ways of displaying brinkmanship (seeing how close to the edge they can get), rather than doing right. It’s more exciting for them to live dangerously than to live cleanly.
In confronting the cheating, if you focus on the behavior, you may find yourself having to plod your way through some swampy nit picking on ‘what is flirting’ and ‘what is not flirting’.
If instead you focus on the attitude behind it, it will be easier to confront, since the attitude is often one of those precursors to cheating. Confronting the attitude and discussing it with your spouse also gives you opportunities for addressing ‘how’ they get attention from the opposite sex. What it means to get attention? Why the attention is important for them, and other pertinent issues in this area.
If you have gone too far in either flirting or leading people on, changes are needed. Although it’s easy saying that others misunderstood you, there’s a chance they didn’t. Consider the possibility that they understood the signals you sent. You may very well be flirting in a manner destructive to your marriage.
If you have crossed the line, whether intentional or unintentional, the video ‘Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery‘ will help you start turning your life around.
Best Regards,
Jeff
