Denial is a phenomena that many people talk about, including you, yet few people understand that there are stages of denial that will have to be overcome. The way denial is talked about, you would assume that once a breakthrough occurs, that “all is well”.
Although it’s often talked about in that manner, the reality is far different.
First things first. When you’re dealing with real denial (as opposed to lying about the affair, things are different. When they are lying, there may be some aspects of denial yet for the most part, they know they are doing wrong as evidenced by hiding it), there will be several stages that you find yourself dealing with. Let’s walk through those stages.
Initially they’ll deny the affair or that an affair is the way to describe the relationship they have with the lover.The relationship will be described in any terms but as ‘an affair’.
Once that is broken through, then you encounter denial regarding the impact of the affair.
They admit it happened, yet downplay its’ impact on you, the kids or others. They downplay how serious it is.
Once you break through that barrier of denial, then you will find yourself dealing with them admitting to the affair, admitting that it impacts others, yet they deny any urgency in dealing with it.
When this stage is broken through, the cheater often assumes one of two positions. One is denial of personal vulnerability. Here they assume that they are a super person and can handle the break-up and all the commotion unscathed.
The other position is where they assume the role of a powerless person who is overwhelmed at what is before them. They don’t see any way that they can end the affair, much less resolve all the other issues surrounding the affair.
Both the super hero and the helpless positions are forms of denial as well. The reality is often in between those two positions.
Break-ups are never easy. Even break-ups with a lover take their toll on a person. They are losing a relationship (albeit one they should not have had in the first place) and will go through all the issues concerning the loss of a relationship.
They will have those feelings. Bear in mind, it does not mean that they no longer have feelings for you, they are just loosing someone else who was important for them at one time.
Denying them freedom to express the losses they encountered can work against you, yet it is hard to feel sorry for them or listen to them talk through their losses. Although it is tough, it is necessary.
You say “I want them back”. Are you willing to help them come back to you?
This is part of what it takes. You want them to be able to open up their heart with you about ANYTHING. Putting limits on what ANYTHING is creates artificial pressures that create distance in your marriage.
This is by no means an exhaustive explanation of the stages of denial, but it gives you a place to start understanding the process and what to expect.
After working through the denial, another major issues is that of preventing affair relapse. In the video, “Preventing Affair Relapse“, I address what needs to be done for this phase of recovery.
Best Regards,
Jeff
