Do You Know How to Forgive an Affair?

Do you know how to forgive an affair? You may think you do, based on what you remember from church or what you have seen in the movies or television shows.

Such experiences often give you some ideas about forgiveness, but they don’t take you through the process.

In dealing with affairs, I’ve found that most of you don’t have a clear understanding of forgiveness and how forgiveness is done. There are a few of you who understand, but the majority don’t.

There are many reasons for you not knowing how to forgive. The first is a poor understanding of what forgiveness is. When you look to popular culture for your answers, they are often only window dressing. The popular culture version of forgiveness often only deals with appearances.

In popular culture, actors or actresses talk about forgiveness, yet seldom take you through the process. Churches often tell you about the need to forgive.

Some even go so far as to emphasize the command to forgive, yet do not show you “how” to do it. You are just expected to somehow know how it is done.

In both popular culture and the church, they avoid dealing with the sensitive issues of pain, as well as the moral issues regarding forgiveness.

Pain and morality are often topics that people only want to briefly brush over, but never dwell on. Since they are unpleasant, they are not explored in depth. Few of you want to explore the depths of pain or the ins and outs of moral questions. Going into depth in either area is unpleasant.

Fast answers for fast living people is what this often amounts to. You probably want a fast answer to what forgiveness is and how it is done. You want something that you can quickly look up and do.

You want answers that easily found on Google, Wikipedia, or YouTube. When you’ve been spoon-fed answers, you can quickly get on your way. But exploring forgiveness in any depth requires effort and takes you out of your comfort zone.

When it comes to forgiveness, you’ll find yourself taken out of your comfort zone quite often. The issues surrounding forgiveness often yank you into dealing with them.

Forgiveness is also more than waving a magic wand and pronouncing special words to make things better. It takes more than saying “I forgive you” and making a few hand gestures for forgiveness to happen. Although you want the forgiveness to happen that fast and heal things immediately, real forgiveness changes emotions, thinking, and how you deal with people. It changes you, and it changes your relationships.

Forgiving the wrong way creates a crazy-making situation, where your mind tells you one thing and your heart tells you something different. You may get a momentary relief from the situation, but nothing has been resolved or closed. You tied a pink ribbon on it, yet nothing has really changed other than attaching the ribbon.

When you put the showy pink ribbon of forgiveness on the affair, it looks better. It gives you something to blog about and talk about, but nothing has really changed. When nothing has really changed, the stage is set for more disappointment and heartache.

You may have followed the commands you were given and copied what you saw in the movie, but that will not bring the kind of life-changing forgiveness that is needed.

This is why I say that most of you do not understand forgiveness or how it is done.

Let me give you some illustrations of how you may not be understanding forgiveness:

Some of the basics you will need include 1) a clear idea of what or who needs to be forgiven. If you do not know whether it is a who or a what that needs forgiving, what is the likelihood that you will do the right thing? This is especially true when it comes to affairs.

You can forgive the cheater, the lover, or even yourself, but you cannot forgive the affair. If you try forgiving the affair, you’ll be frustrated and never feel like things are resolved—mainly because they aren’t.

2) You will also need to dispose of the idea that the matter is closed once the forgiveness is given. Forgiveness only sews up the wound—it doesn’t finish the healing or the restoration. If you are confusing forgiveness with restoration, you will likely find a lot of issues foreclosed on before they are resolved.

3) You will also need to throw out the idea that when you forgive you have to allow the offender back into your life. Getting forgiveness confused with connection or access to you is a sure way to bring more heartache into your life. Just because you forgive the cheater does not mean you have to allow them back into your life or your bedroom.

This should give you some better direction on forgiveness.

Best Regards,

Jeff