When your spouse tells you that “you have a hall pass” or that “having an affair is just being human”, what’s actually being communicated? Such communications have a double message with it.
On one hand they give you permission to have an affair, while at the same time communicating that ‘there’s nothing special’ about their relationship with you.
Many potential cheaters jump on the ‘hall pass’ without considering the other message about how the boundaries of your marriage are fluid and up for negotiation. They latch on to when so-called experts say that ‘affairs may be good for your marriage’.
When the boundaries of your marriage are fluid enough for a ‘hall pass’, the relationship turns into more of a home base for their affair operations than a sacred institution. When your marriage becomes nothing more than home base, then many aspects of the relationship are ‘up for negotiation’.
Like a business contract, everything becomes negotiable.
Then. there’s the matter of context. Spouses don’t generally just give you permission to have an affair clear out of the blue.
In all likelihood, someone brought the subject up and requested a ‘hall pass’. The mere act of wanting one says that you’re making plans for violating the boundaries of your marriage.
Your heart is already more invested somewhere else than in the marriage. It amounts to asking for permission before you go out and do what you were planning to do.
Some spouses may choose ‘allowing’ it rather than engage you in a battle of wills. It may be more of a hassle to say no than to give in and allow you to ‘do what makes you happy’.
When you have the idea that something or someone outside of your marriage is what’s going to make you happier than your spouse, you have sent a STRONG message of rejection to them. You’ve told them “You no longer make me happy!” with your asking for a hall pass.
Being sent such a message is hurtful. It could be that you were so caught up in your own self-seeking indulgences that you never considered how much it hurts your spouse just asking for a ‘hall pass’.
There are also those cases where your spouse never intentionally gave you permission. This happens in the midst of their sarcastic or catty remarks during the middle of a fight said something.
Rather than take their statement as permission, you may need instead to show understanding toward them and the pain that they were experiencing leading up to the remark. Such comments are typically made when people are hurting.
If the only thing you heard was the permission and not the pain, then your heart was definitely not where it needed to be.
In some cases, your spouse may be giving you permission due to them entertaining the idea of an affair OR to compensate for some moral turpitude in their past or some extreme health issue that keeps them from being the spouse that they want to be. In such cases, the permission is more about balancing things out.
They feel guilty about what they’ve done, or what they can’t do. Rather than deal with the guilt or talk about their hurts, it’s easier giving you permission to ‘balance things out’.
In the case of health issues, they may view their situation as burdensome for you, while allowing you to cheat will reduce that sense of being burdened. Whatever the motivation is behind giving permission, you would be better off finding out what the motivation is before acting on the permission. The reason for the permission is often more important than the permission anyways.
Anytime your spouse gives you permission, it’s a danger signal. Ignoring such a signal is courting trouble.
Rather than act on such permissions, instead, download the “Affair Recovery Workshop“. Take the important steps of improving communication and increasing intimacy within your marriage rather than looking for answers outside of it.
The answers you’re looking for are more often found in your marriage rather than outside of it.
Best Regards,
Jeff
