One of the groups I belong to on facebook is the one for my high school class. Although it’s not as active as other groups, I receive updates from them. When the updates arrive, I enjoy looking at the pictures. There’s something about seeing familiar faces I find comforting. Along with the comfort moments of nostalgia, there are also some sudden realization moments as well.
At those times, I look at some of the women and wonder “How did I have a crush on her?” The therapist part of my mind starts answering the question I directed to it.
This post is not about romanticizing puppy love or crushes, but rather about understanding what’s behind attraction. Although I recall who I thought was hot back then, at times I wonder where my head was at. I know I was drawn to them back then, but now, I see things differently. Their different and I have changed as well.
I still come back to the question about attraction and what attracts me to certain people. You probably wonder that as well. It’s probably not possible to explain every aspect of attraction, and pinpoint the cause. The reason for this is each person can never fully fathom the minds of others.
So instead, I offer a few thoughts that have crossed my mind over the years and what researchers have found as to why we find some people attractive.
At first blush, you might think attraction is something “physical” and that’s one piece. I recall the experience of attraction but want to know what it was about them that had such a hold on me at that time.
For example, I might have been attracted to a woman because of her long hair. But if you think about it, there are many women with long hair. Why was this one so different?
The answer may be in the details or what some researchers call “specificity.” It’s the small differences that make us unique.
You may even be one of those who is always attracted to others that aren’t good for you and you wonder “What attracted me to you in the first place?” This is one of the compelling questions about attraction that comes with affairs.
Whether you are the betrayer or the betrayed, the attraction question is one that you ponder. Although you ponder it, getting honest about where that attraction comes from could leave you uncomfortable.
For the betrayer, it could be a fear of being unattractive or not good enough. If you have to look outside of your relationship for validation, what does that say about you? The affair becomes a way to soothe that fear.
As for the betrayed, it may be easier to understand your attraction if you think
Some attractions are healthy, while others are unhealthy. Although your mind sees the danger, the power of the attraction draws you in.
When you are processing the affair, it’s important to reflect on your attraction. What is it that is attracting you to this other person? Is it something that is missing in your current relationship? If so, what can you do to address that within your relationship?
In my special report on “Bonding and Addiction” gives you a in-depth look at unhealthy bonds along with ways of dealing with them. If the affair you’re dealing with involves an unhealthy attraction you can discover the tools you need for dealing with it.
You’re not just imagining the pull and bonding that happens with certain people. That tugging and pulling are not by accident. When you feel that someone completes you, even though they’re not healthy for you, there’s a reason for that.
The more you understand about it, the better you can prepare yourself and overcome them.
What you learn can help you resist getting pulled into unwanted unhealthy relationships. You can break the unhealthy bonds and patterns.
The special report “Bonding and Addiction” goes into outlines of bonding and attraction and its connection to addictions. It gives you a look at how it works, why we are drawn to certain people, what drives the urge we have for them.
Click and download your copy today.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
