About the time I think that I’ve covered all the bases when it comes to affairs, someone brings a topic to my attention I overlooked. At those moments, I ask myself “How did I miss that?”
The area I overlooked this time is that of writing letters to the cheater. Someone wanted me to address the topic of ‘a letter to my husband after he cheated’.
Letters offer you the convenience of sharing your thoughts and emotions without interruption. Letters give you a way of telling your spouse what’s on your mind and heart.
When you take out the risk of interruption, the letter ceases being communication. It becomes a pulpit used for delivering them a piece of your mind.
Letters are useful for gathering your thoughts. They give you a way of connecting with your emotions. Once you’ve gathered your thoughts, using letters ceases being helpful.
I find writing helpful. Once you gather your thoughts, then use direct communication. This is especially important with the personal nature of affairs.
I’ve seen more damage done by letters than by face-to-face conversations. For this reason I discourage using them as a way of communicating something to your spouse.
In my resources on communication and affair recovery, I go into deeper explanations about the danger of letters and my preference for face-to-face or phone communication.
When you use face-to-face or phone communication, it allows for spontaneity, connection and healing. This is a drastic contrast to letters which often come across as cold, impersonal and inflicts hurt each time it’s read.
You may think that adding a few things to soften what you’re saying will remedy that. Those statements make the letter look good to you. Most of the time letters are misinterpreted and read the wrong way. It’s rare that letters are received and read in the way you intended.
The wording of letters is critical in addressing something as personal as an affair. I find that few people are skilled enough in expressing their emotions and finding the right wording for this to be effective.
You may think you’re a good communicator in terms of expressing what you feel, but that doesn’t mean that your spouse is understanding what you’re saying. It may not be coming across the way you intended it to.
E-mail is even worse than letters. E-mails are notorious for being misread. The only thing worse than E-mails are text messages. You may like how they allow you to express yourself, but that doesn’t mean that you are being understood.
E-mails and text messages come across as noisy chatter, which is typically ignored or dismissed. If that’s your choice of communication channel for dealing with affair recovery, you need help.
If you’re serious about communication, consider purchasing the video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions”. It provides you instructions on ways of turning your communication around in such a way that you get listened to rather than ignored.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
