Ameena came to me distraught. She found herself devastated after what happened in her marriage. She had tried dealing with the pain by herself, yet the crying episodes and guilt were more than she could handle. She was also tormented by thoughts concerning losing her husband’s love. It was all more than she could handle.
Although she viewed herself as a strong woman, what she was experiencing took her to dark places she never dreamed of. She and her husband tried swinging for the first time and now she regretted she ever considered doing it. It was a full swap and now she was full of pain. She was tormented with images of her husband with another woman and filled with regret for her own actions.
Ameena shared with me how the other couple had put subtle pressure on her about how ‘fun’ swinging was and how much they enjoyed it. As Ameena continued describing what happened, it became clear how she and her husband had been groomed by swingers.
Grooming for swinging and affairs is widespread. The ‘Groomers’ act like cheerleaders playing up all the benefits of straying across the boundaries of marriage. They talk about how it will make their marriage stronger and how freeing it is. While playing up the benefits, they avoid mentioning the fallout and consequences.
The consequences vary from guilt, rampant substance abuse, fostering sexual addiction, and pornography to deep depression and suicidal ideation. Straying always takes you further than you intended to go, and those grooming you intentionally take you way outside of your comfort zone.
Activities that you never wanted to do and people you never intended to be with are part of your new reality after succumbing to the groomers.
Groomers use a variety of strategies and techniques for seducing you and your spouse. Those strategies vary from the excitement of costume play (e.g. dress up) to pseudo-science of how humans aren’t naturally monogamish.
By making straying look hip and fashionable, they play on the potential victims of FOMO (fear of missing out). In doing so, they use your fears against you. Grooming puts you in a position filled with tension. The groomers construct the tension so that their option looks like the preferred choice for reducing that tension.
Experienced groomers know ways of circumventing your values and morals. They’ll also do it in a way that twists you and your mind in ways you never imagined. In many cases, they were groomed and now they are doing what they were groomed for.
Grooming is a very real threat to your marriage. The groomers never show their true colors or their true intentions until it’s too late. It’s common for them to use the leverage of their relationship with you to push you into things. Getting out is possible. You can escape what you’ve gotten into. Although you can’t change what happened, you can change how you respond to it and start reclaiming your own life and sexuality.
In the video ‘Relationship Trauma for Swingers”, I share ways of starting that change in your own life and mind. I encourage you to download it and start making healthy choices.
You didn’t get to where you are with one choice. It was a series of choices. It will take a series of healthy choices to get you out of that place as well.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
